It's a beautiful day for a column today, a beautiful day for a reader. Could you read mine? Would you read mine? Won't you read my column?
Hello again, boys and girls! How are all of you? I hope you're doing great today! What's that? Why is Mr. Rogers so happy? Well, it's not because of the court order he received in the mail from his ex-wife's lawyer. Mr. Rogers might have to take his spring break trip to the Bahamas a little early this year, if you know what I mean. And it's not because Mr. Rogers' parole officer is on his back again about finishing up his community service requirement. Can you say \ball buster,"" boys and girls? Next time a professor asks you where your homework is, say, ""stop busting my balls,"" and see what happens. But quieting up his P.O. with an easy form of community service whenever Matt is too busy or incarcerated to write is not the reason Mr. Rogers is so happy.
The reason Mr. Rogers is so happy today is because it's almost time for WRESTLEMANIA! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, Wrestlemania 18, live from the Toronto Skydome, is less than seven days away! Rock versus Hogan! Austin versus Hall! Triple H ver... verses... Jeri'hold on a minute. Are you yawning? And you, are you rolling your eyes?? At Wrestlemania??
Now, I'm sure you just misheard me. I'm sure you thought I said something like district rezoning or City Council meeting and that's why you're showing such little interest. I understand, it's early in your day, you aren't reading clearly. Now then, WRESTLEMANIA is just days away and ... there! You just did it again! The girl, with the pony tail! What is wrong with you children? Didn't your parents teach you anything?
Boys and girls, there is nothing wrong with liking wrestling: All your favorite celebrities enjoy wrestling; Bob Uecker, Pamela Anderson, Mr. T. Heck, the WWF is even a public company, so if you bought stock in them and watched their programs, you'd be helping yourself turn a profit!
But Mr. Rogers knows what the problem is. Boys and girls, do you think wrestling is a big sham, where two idiot rednecks throw fake looking punches while others drink beer and cheer?
Well then shame on you boys and girls for making such stereotypical assumptions. You know what happens when you assume, right? Mr. Rogers won't say it since this is a family paper, but take his word for it, any one that tries to sell you that stereotyped view of wrestling is always a coldhearted Commie looking to bring America down from the inside. ALWAYS.
Kids, wrestling is pure, sometimes mindless, fun. Is it fake? No. They might not be hitting each other full blow, but you can't fake the impact of a 250-pound man landing on another 250-pound man after jumping off a 5 foot turnbuckle. Is it fixed? Yes. Surprise, wrestlers don't really hate each other, and the endings of matches are predetermined by writers, but that's because it's a story. Just like the people from ""ER"" aren't really doctors and Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn't really kill vampires, wrestling is about fictional entertainment.
So go out there and enjoy it. After all, if there was a penalty for watching stupid shows, ""Dawson's Creek"" fans would be in big trouble. Just don't try it at home, remember Mr. Rogers loves you.
Except for you, eye roller.
Glad you read mine, glad you read mine, glad you read my column.
OUT!
