Unless you're a CS major, friends are your reason for staying here at UW-Madison. They're the reasons you get up so early, or stay up so late. Depending on who you are, they can be your greatest fans, or your greatest critics. And we all have different kinds of friends. Not every friend is alike, and there are varying levels of friendship. The noted philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy, once commented, \A friend might bail you out of jail at 2 a.m., but your best friend is sitting in jail with you.""
Either way, your friends are always there for you. It might be buying a drink for your friend on his 21st birthday, or patting his back while he's puking it up five minutes later. Or it might be promising to put his name in your next column because you were broke that night and couldn't buy him another drink. Those are some of the reasons why Ian Augustin is my friend.
Being there for a friend can be heart-warming, heart-wrenching or simply heart-pounding. It's being his wingman when he's on the prowl at a party. It's also picking him up from UHS after he contracted an STD from his hook-up at that party. However, there are also differences that you cannot reconcile with your friend...
...like his girlfriend you can't stand.
Guys, you've all had this problem. Have any of your friends begun dating a girl which just irritates the living hell out off you? Not in that, ""she has annoying habits"" sort of way. But rather in that I-can't-believe-that-such-a-good-guy-would-ever-date-that-soul-sucking-spawn-of-the-Devil sort.
I think it's within the friend's sphere of influence to say something. Then it comes all back to your level of friendship. A friend would say, ""I don't think she's right for you, man."" A good friend would say, ""Man, your woman is a psycho hosebeast!"" A best friend would say, ""THIS WOMAN REPRESENTS EVERYTHING THAT IS SOULESS AND WRONG ABOUT HUMANITY! DO NOT GIVE IN OR SHE WILL USE HER SHARP TALONS TO TEAR YOUR SOUL APART, LEAVING YOU WEEPING ... WEEPING!"" That is, unless you like his girlfriend, then it's all good.
Because you know that as a friend, when they break up, you have to let him weep on your shoulder. Then you'll have to do the random insult thing. Again, a friend would say something like, ""There are other fish in the sea."" A good friend would say, ""Man, that ho was no good for you anyway!"" A best friend would say ""Lap dances at Visions on me!""
Then, when they get back together, you have to gently remind him that she broke his heart. A friend says, ""Don't you remember how she lied to you?"" A good friend would say, ""Don't you remember how she cheated on you with the entire Badgers' defensive line?!"" And the best friend would say, ""Go back to her and you'll never get another lap dance at Visions on me.""
My point is that we should cherish those close to us, even if we don't see eye-to-eye with them on everything. We should recognize right now that what's really important in life is not your human resources class, or the internship that you're gunning for this summer.
It's about those who make you laugh when you're low, and smack you in the face when you're high on yourself. It's about those who, no matter how rich and famous you might get, will remember you as the person who streaked down Langdon Street for $7 so you could get a late-night burrito at Q-doba. In conclusion, it's all about the people around you who'll be there when it really hits the fan...
...and buy you a table dance at Visions.
Thank you for reading and I'll see you next year!
