Sulfurous flames slowly engulf me and the promise of anguish for my charred soul stretches out into eternity. Although I sometimes ponder my destiny, the thought of eternal damnation rarely manifests itself in my vision of the future.
I consider myself a fairly tolerant person and there are not many types of people who would give rise to a sense of repulsion by sitting next to me on a plane. I can even deal with the occasional screaming baby.
On a recent flight from National to O'Hare, I was condemned to something much worse'a seat next to a talkative religious fanatic who was determined to convince me that my current lifestyle would eventually lead me to suffer Satan's wrath.
This unfortunate twist of fate occurred when I was on my way back from spring break. I was particularly tired on this flight because I had been up extremely late the previous night taking one last opportunity to enjoy typical spring break activities, such as passing out pamphlets for the Humane Society.
Whereas I simply wanted to sleep through the flight, the man in the seat next to me had different plans. Whenever he saw me getting comfortable, he would literally jab me in the ribcage with his copy of the Bible, making sure I was awake to hear his brilliant insights into the fact that Darwin's \Origin of Species"" was really authored by Satan.
Before I completely offend my religious readers, let me stress that I don't have any problems with religious devotion or with listening to the ideas of others. Although I was raised Jewish, I feel that I am still developing my personal sense of spirituality, and I can certainly appreciate the value in discussing religion.
While I have no objection to religious discourse, it really bothers me when people try to force their faith on me like some sort of unwanted Twinkie. According to the guy on the plane, the Lord sat us together on the plane because He was concerned about me becoming faithful enough to enter His kingdom.
It takes an amazing sense of self-worth to believe that the Lord would intervene in your seat assignment. I always thought that the check-in lines at the airport moved so slowly because of simple employee incompetence, but now I know that the real delays come from having to verify every seat assignment with Jesus.
Combine an attempt at religious conversion, a slight hangover and a little turbulence over Columbus and you end up with the longest two hours of your life. Unfortunately, concepts of religious superiority affect the world a lot more drastically than the disruption of my flight.
For example, the complex and historically rooted conflict in the Middle East essentially comes down to one central issue. Groups of people are trying to violently destroy one another to enforce their ideology and prove once and for all that ""My God is better than yours.""
Unfortunately, it is naive to think that Colin Powell will be able to solve the conflict in the region. In fact, it would have been just as fitting to send Pauly Shore, using 1994's atrocious ""In the Army Now"" to discourage continued military action.
I think it is time to move beyond half-assed U.S. diplomacy and permanently put an end to the violence. I propose resolving the conflict with an internationally televised battle between Yahweh and Allah in the style of MTV's ""Celebrity Death Match.""
If people could learn to respect religious diversity, maybe we could do away with senseless violence and uncomfortable flights. Until we attain this level of human understanding, I'll see you in hell.
