It's a beautiful day for a column today, a beautiful day for a reader. Could you read mine? Would you read mine? Won't you read my column?
Hello, boys and girls. Sadly, this is our last time together. Apparently the hippies at the Cardinal won't let Mr. Rogers have his OWN column, so when Matt graduates, it's \adios Fred"" as well. Oh well, there's always syndication.
So to commemorate Mr. Rogers' last column, he's invited some of the other characters of the past two years say a few words.
First, a duo you might know'Don Shadian and Matt's brother John.
Don: Hi! I'm Don. You might remember me from columns like ""Don's Wizzer Trip"" and ""Bay Beach Olympics.""
John: And you might remember me from ""Thanksgiving Adventure '00"" and the sequel ""Thanksgiving Adventure '01.""
Don: We'd like to thank Matt for including us in his articles, though we often saved the day when he had nothing to write about.
John: True. Plus, we do much more than just drive around in Don's car wearing helmets. I'm an accomplished NFL Blitz player, while Don is
also an aspiring writer.
Don: I'm not as crazy as Matt makes me seem.
John: Excuse me? Should I mention ""The Stab You Song?""
Don: Please, ""The Love You Song."" Kids read this.
John: Anyway, thanks for including us Matt, and ladies? Don and I are still single.
Thanks guys. Now here's Jeff and Mare.
Jeff: Hi, I just wanted to say: Yes, I did inspire Matt to write a registration guide this year. And yes, I do get to melt stuff for my major.
Mare: I just wanted to say that my name is actually Mer, because I'm a person, and not a female horse. Maybe he spelled it M-a-r-e because that's how it sounds and he couldn't remember off the top of his head?
Mare: Good point. WHOO NACURH 1999!
Jeff: And WHOO Melting Things!
Whoo indeed. Next is Jason Seidl.
JS: Hi, I'm Jason! I was the Defense Minister on the Worzala/Wayne 2000 ticket. Though we didn't win, I'd like to thank Matt for helping me get into politics. Yesterday I was made U.S. Ambassador to Sweden. Hello, ""All-You-Can-Drink Swiss Miss!"" Also, Ben Suda should be the Brewers' new Manager. Thank you.
Thank you. Our last guest is live by phone, here's the Touchtone Lady.
""Hello. I just want to say to Matt?? you little piece of [censored]! You think you can [censored] with the Touchtone Lady and not get[censored] back? I know everything about you! I WILL FIND YOU! I SWEAR TO-click""
Mr. Rogers is sorry boys and girls, he really should have screened that call better.
Knock! Knock!
Who could that be? Why it's John Denver!
JD: Hello Fred.
What brings you here?
JD: I originally came here to finally settle who was best in Vietnam. But then I remembered that I'm dead and in Heaven. And Heaven is pretty awesome. So we're cool.
Anything else?
JD: Do you have some Coors Light?
Check the fridge.
Well, boys and girls, this is the end. You know, there are three things I am proud of in my life: Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, keeping my house in the divorce, and over 60 confirmed ?? meals in Vietnam. But my greatest joy has been to write for all of you these last two years. For that I thank you, Mike, Stella, Ellen and the rest of the Cardinal. Best of luck to all of you.
Glad you read mine, glad you read mine, glad you read my column.
OUT!
