Okay, here is the straight dope: Last time the state of California decided to secede from the rest of the country and have its own World Series there was a big earthquake. Coincidence? I think not.
Folks, please, for the sake of baseball, for the sake of all of us, we cannot allow the Anaheim Angels to play the San Francisco Giants.
Now, I'm not going to lie. Seeing those commies from St. Paul get \knocked around like Tina Turner when Ike be here"" was sweet. My hat is off to the California... err... I mean Walt Disney... err... I mean Anaheim Angels.
As I saw it, the St. Louis Cardinals were going to manhandle the San Francisco Giants and the nation would watch as the Angels and Cardinals duked it out in what would become a fall classic for the ages.
Alas, fate had to rear its ugly, shameful face. The Cards lost to the Giants and now the Angels and Giants will play in the Series.
I really cannot emphasize how dangerous this is for not only the state of California, but the nation as a whole. Whilst God was kind enough to give the country a warning shot the last time two teams from Cali met in the Series 'see '89 earthquake series between Oakland and S.F.'the theme for this World Series could very well be ""Gettin' medieval on the U.S. of A with your pal J.C."" Picture it, if you will: volcanoes begin popping up like strip-malls not only in California but in neighboring states such as Nevada, Arizona and Hawaii.
Don't think for a second that we'll be safe in the Midwest because we won't be. Unless of course you mean safe in a casket, dead after the Great Lakes turn to blood and Chicago is overrun with fire ants that breathe fire.
""Holy God! That ant breathes fire,"" says one Chi-town vagrant. ""Yep, lil' bugger set me on fire,"" says, other Chi-town vagrant before being burned to death.
Meanwhile in Washington D.C., Saddam Hussein will have risen to power after an extended fight with Dubya in which said real American hero is stabbed by Hussein with an American flag attached to an American flag pole. Note, it will be really ironic. All the while, Hussein will declare himself Emperor of America and chuckle to himself saying, ""Your flag's colors may not run but your President bleeds.""
Now, if you are a rational, freedom loving, fire ant-fearing American citizen you are wondering what course of action we must take to prevent this all from happening. As I see it, we only have one course of action and that is to fight back at the Californian juggernauts: The Anaheim Angels and the San Francisco Giants.
Here is the simple and entirely well thought-out equation folks. Dead rally monkey plus Barry Bonds getting busted at the Mexican border for smuggling illegal steroids into America, divided by Angels manager Mike Scioscia having a heart attack in a third world country where they can't afford defibrilators, equals no more all-California World Series. Success!
