A few months ago, I overheard maybe the most shocking, upsetting and depressing conversation about sex ever. Picture it with me, won't you? Outside the Social Sciences Building, two young women and three young men are laughing and talking about sex:
Guys don't even know how to do it right. Either they're too tentative or it's like they're going deep-sea diving. They take a deep breath and go like a thousand miles an hour until they have to come up for air.
(I realize they're talking about oral sex. No big deal here.)
I don't do that. I'm slow. I take my time. I mean, unless she hasn't taken, you know, certain steps.
(Hah?)
What do you mean, steps?
(Yeah, what do you mean, steps?)
You know, like washing away that not-so-fresh feeling? That (squeezes hand repeatedly) douche and stuff like that. To keep it in, uh, (laughs) working condition.
(Now hold it right there, junior.)
And, like, pruning some of the foliage, you know what I mean?
(Ohhhhh. Kay.)
Oh I totally do that...
(No. No! NO!)
Me too.
(Barf.)
There are so many things wrong with this conversation'not the least of which is the men's eagerness to explain to women what a pussy is supposed look, smell, and taste like; and I won't even go into the two women's eagerness to explain to the men that their nether regions do indeed fulfill the specifications set forth. Not today, anyway.
No. Today, I'm focusing on douching itself. That utterly useless bag of salad dressing that advertisers have convinced us is necessary for a healthy vagina. Nonsense. In fact, for a healthy woman, douching can do more harm than good:
1. Douching can cause irritation and inflammation of the vaginal tissues, which makes it way easier for STDs and other bugs to set up shop.
2. Douching can itself cause a host of other infections by upsetting the delicate balance of naturally occurring bacteria and yeast.
3. Douching can complicate an existing infection. Unusual, funky vaginal discharge can be a sign that the body is trying to correct and heal itself. Douching that away is like ripping off scabs. It's dangerous. Also, ew.
But most of all, douching is a big crock o' shite because it's unnecessary, despite what the mother and daughter team walking along the beach have tried to tell us. As Rebekah noted in her column a couple weeks back, vaginas clean themselves, ladies and gentlemen. How many other body parts can you say that about? I'll give you a hint: none.
What really sucks about the whole douching myth is the assumption that vaginas are naturally unclean and smelly, and that women must take steps to remedy their natural stank. I don't know about you guys, but
utsack cleanser,"" if it even exists, is far less institutionalized than crappy old Massengil.
It scares me when I hear folks proclaim that they just love to lick a woman's vagina, as long as it doesn't look, smell, or taste like a vagina. Bodies'male, female, and everything in between'have smells. Get over it, already. As long as we human beings are in good health and bathe regularly, we don't stink. The only thing that stinks here is the fact that people'men and women'think that the only time it's safe to go near a vagina is after it's been sprayed, flushed, boiled for three minutes, taken to a lab in Helsinki, bleached, ironed, pressed and hung up in the closet for usage. In short: Leave your pussy alone.
