Greetings all! It's time for another semester here on our cozy isthmus of brotherly, sisterly and drunkardly love. I hope you meet this new year in good health and spirits.
Personally, I meet this new year with the same feeling about humanity's global situation I have every year.
We've had our last New Year's kiss.
The nuclear apocalypse is clearly upon us. A few of the most volatile countries in the world will soon be on edge, clutching their respective doomsday buttons, sweating and shaking, shouting \GO AHEAD, TRY ME, BUDDY!""
Yep, this is going to be the year of the Big Kaboom. But you know, when we all go at the same time, it won't be so bad.
And in the interest of full disclosure, you should know I've thought the world was doomed for the last 21 years. I'm still pleasantly surprised when I wake up each morning (or afternoon or evening) to find the world not destroyed.
So don't go get too depressed and hopeless. I'll probably be wrong like I always am. Besides, we've got a spring semester to look forward to!
Returning from winter break lets me live vicariously through other people--people with lives. A sample conversation:
Me: How was your break?
Friend: Oh great. I did a brief tour of the Himalayas with my Sherpa buddies. Then I spent some time just bumming around the caf??s of Paris. On New Years Eve, I made love to a beautiful woman at the top of the Eiffel Tower while I ate Belgian waffles and listened to opera. Yourself?
Me: I played darts at Monday's. And slept a lot. I also wrote this column.
Not to mention, the spring semester begins in the middle of my favorite season in Wisconsin: the Slippery Season.
The only reason I get out of bed at the end of January is to watch people try to get to class without a wipeout. Admit it, as long as there aren't any grotesque Willis McGahee-style injuries incurred, it's really funny watching some angry, hurried student go ass-up and land flat on the icy deck.
Now you might accuse me of reveling in excessive schadenfreude. And you'd be very right. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like you. It's just funny when bad things happen to people who aren't me.
And in the seasonal vein, it's intriguing fun to watch people try to endure the awful Wisconsin late winter. In most states, winter tends to end in February. Here, it sticks around longer than herpes.
January, February and March dominate the freezing semester at UW. By the time April starts, everyone who isn't from the Midwest wishes that they had taken that offer from Mississippi Auto Technical.
But as everyone else shifts into Eeyore mode, native Midwesterners are used to it. We just go about our business, gaining ground relative to our disgruntled visitors. Just don't make the mistake of asking an imported student out on Valentine's Day. By the time mid-February rolls around, they aren't in the mood for lovin'. You say, ""Hey, you're cute, would you like to go get some drinks on the 14th?"" They say, ""I wish you would die.""
But don't let that get you down, they'll slip and fall soon enough.
You did damn fine by picking up this paper. Repeat the performance five days a week and you'll see why the Cardinal is the best paper on campus.
