Crikey! Welcome back to the Collegiate Hunter. I'm your host, Mike Jones, and today I am traveling to one of the most dangerous places a college student can venture. A place where the strong prey on the weak, and the only way one can survive is to adapt and travel in herds. I'm, of course, talking about Grainger Hall!
Now don't let the name fool ya. Grainger Hall, or Grainger High, as some outsiders call it, is a place unlike any other on this campus. If you are not fully aware of your surroundings, you can be swallowed whole and end up infected with a \Paradigm Parasite"" or the dreaded ""Think-Outside-the-Box-pox."" Trouble lurks around every corner, but don't worry, mate, I'll be right here guiding you through the chasms where the ambitious thrive and ethical perish.
First, you'll notice the surroundings. Unlike any other building on campus, Grainger features wall-to-wall carpeting in every classroom! To the casual observer, this is wonderful for the feet. However, a dangerous bloke, like a marketing major, could creep up on you silently and make you take a dreaded survey!
In order for us to maneuver undetected, I'll be dressing myself in the garb of a Grainger High student. North Face jacket? Check. Doc Martens? Check. Worn baseball cap of a non-Wisconsin team? Check. Nalgene bottle hanging from the side of my backpack? Check. Copy of the Herald? Check. But wait a minute... Oh blimey! I wore khakis, and Mondays is jeans day! I've been spotted! Now hopefully, I'll merely be shunned by the marketing majors for not fitting in to their ""focus group paradigm."" But then again, I could be singled out and chased by the dreaded management major. These are vicious creatures known for their ruthless ambition and ability to kill their prey by proclaiming that they are not ""proactive"" and not ""team players."" Thankfully, we're lucky because today is Business Group sign-up day, and they're too busy being lured into resume-building opportunities.
See that herd right over there? Those are what we call accounting majors. They're recognizable by their wire-rimmed spectacles and efficient walking style. No slouching, no striding, but a brisk pace which will maximize their output levels. They also have a tendency to travel in packs, as it is well-known that the management majors will prey on a strayed accounting major and capture their homework and notes. While they might look harmless, the accounting major sare quite deceiving. After graduation, they have been known to become accountants for the IRS and Arthur Andersen, roving bands of accountants which intimidate even the most powerful of CEO's.
Now the final ones you'll have to watch out for are the entreprenuership majors. While low on resources in the beginning, these blokes contain an ambition which gives them a reputation for being tenacious and unmerciful. They know that they might not last long, so everyone is an enemy.
OH CRIKEY, I'VE JUST BEEN SPOTTED BY A ROVING BAND OF PUBLIC RELATIONS MAJORS! NO POLLS! AAAAGH! SAVE YOURSELVES! UNTIL NEXT WEEK, WHEN WE SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF THE MECHANICAL ENGINEERING STUDENT: FUTURE UNABOMBERS OF AMERICA?
