Former mayoral candidate Will Sandstrom has been saying that the Russian Mafia is infiltrating the streets of Madison, claiming that they will soon take over this fair city of ours (along with the chinks, the spics and pretty much any other racially diverse group that he could slur against). I think that Mr. Sandstrom is flipping his Finnish grandmother-like wig. Even if the Russian Mafia were making a bid to run our city, they would have to deal with the most insidious, vile organized racket that has held the city since I came here in the fall of 2000. They strike without warning and if they don't go after you, they'll go after your mother, father, neighbor, roommate or even that hippie that you bought the slice of pizza from at Ian's. And quite honestly, the Russian Mafia has nothing on this crew. They, of course, are...
...the Madison Parking Enforcement Squad.
Moving in their white mini-jeeps, looking for illegally parked cars like the nine ringwraiths looking for the one ring, the MPES has instituted a reign of terror which has shaken down every single resident with a car within these city limits. Mothers warn their children that if they ever misbehave, the MPES will come and ticket them in the middle of the night. Just ask my boy Lauvray, who had his car towed from U-Square by the MPES after he parked there to pick up his copy of Cosmo from The Den. They wait there, like they're on a stakeout with the camera crew from COPS in the backseat:
\We've been outside of the nursing home for two hours now, just waiting for Mrs. O'Leary. She might be 104-years-old, but she'll have to pay for being within five feet of a hydrant. We're gonna get that bitch if it's the last thing we do.""
You think I'm kidding? Last week, I saw a member of the parking police fight through the blizzard in order to ticket an 80-year-old grandmother's handicapped-plated Caprice while the lady was dropping off her granddaughter for choir practice. I've heard of the MPES ticketing funeral processions for having an illegally-parked hearse. Too close to the curb, too far away from the curb, parking in an abandoned lot at midnight when the sign clearly states that the hours of parking were between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m., no one is safe. Did you know that every 38.67 seconds, a child is ticketed in Madison?
I have been ticketed by the MPES and I don't even drive in Wisconsin!
""You sir, are fined $40 for parking illegally here.""
""But it's not even my car.""
""Yeah, but you looked at it didn't you? DIDN'T YOU, YOU WORTHLESS SCUM!?""
I've even heard that the MPES has connections all the way to the top! For example, we complain that parking in Madison is tougher than watching ""Glitter"" on a full stomach. So what does Madison do? Build a ramp where the Silver Dollar is. And who will enforce this ramp? The MPES of course! Evil has never been easier to identify than the Madison city government and their plan to kill bars in Madison by using our parking woes against us.
I do not know where the hope is in this situation. Perhaps a day will come when we will not be terrorized by the city and their parking minions. But until that day ... VIVA LA RESISTANCE!
