Last Tuesday, I was paging through UW's other student daily when I ran across their 2003 Student Choice Awards, and I had an idea.
In the spirit of community service for which this column is renowned, I decided to give my own student choice awards to favorite downtown Madison locations and experiences.
Of course, instead of polling, I just selected the winners at random.
Hell, what's the difference? Both Madison student dailies decide winners by self-selecting surveys, so they come out without a representative sample.
Winners may contact the D.H. c/o The Daily Cardinal to receive proof of their selection. This newspaper takes no responsibility for any consequences to the winners.
This year's award for Best Place to Get Tear-Gassed goes to Elizabeth Link Peace Park. As anyone who was tear-gassed this Halloween while standing 40 yards from anyone doing anything that could conceivably be described as rioting can tell you, being tear-gassed sucks. I'd say it's probably the most displeasing sensation this side of being rammed in the groin by a bighorn sheep (and I speak from experience here).
Peace Park is an excellent place to absorb a gassing by virtue of the fact that none of painful reactions the gas causes are out of the ordinary there.
Walk by Peace Park any day and you can see people crying, vomiting and cursing the police. It's a lot easier emotionally to accept a tear-gassing if you know people won't look at you funny for it.
This year's other State Street-area-violence-related award goes to Stillwater's, for Best Place to Get Shot. I almost chose \buttocks"" as the best place to get shot. After deciding that next year the award will be Best Geographical Location For Being Shot, I picked Stillwater's. Why? By default.
Stillwater's was, as far I know, the only place in the campus area where anyone was actually shot this year. No place is a good place to be shot. I hope to not have to give this award out next year, especially not to a place where I've actually been. Either way, I'm staying away from taverns' front windows, particularly given the high volume of threatening e-mails I get from readers.
Finally, what would the first two violence-related awards be if it weren't for acute intoxication? That's why this year's award for Best Place to Numb the Crushing Pain of Existence goes to Monday's.
Has the conservative efficiency of republican economics rendered you jobless? Is the one you love wrecking someone else's box spring? No need to kill yourself just yet, partner, the bartenders at Monday's have you covered.
A lot of bars in town serve stiff drinks, but watching a Monday's bartender ""mix"" a whiskey-coke would be enough to induce a non-broken-blood-vessel-related blush from Ted Kennedy.
I'm sure a lot of the hipsters out there will object to my selection. Sure, Monday's may not be as ""cool"" as Paul's Club or as full of familiar faces as the Plaza. But it's perfect for those times when you don't really care if everybody knows your name, or would even prefer to remain anonymous.
So there you have them, The 2003-'04 DH Awards. If you disagree with them, get your own column and do your own awards.
dlhinkel@students.wisc.edu.
