Was it me, or was watching Saturday's game a lot like watching an old '80s horror flick? Part of you is embarrassed for watching it, while another part of you can't turn away because there is something funny about it. How is it that a team that beat Ohio State can't beat a team that when in a huddle, resembles a bunch of grapes?
It must be something in the air: the Marlins beat the Yankees, the Packers have pulled up a comfy cushion in the losers' bracket-it seems as though the Great Pumpkin is playing a little trick on us.
Cue the \Halloween"" soundtrack as I lead you into a little movie I put the finishing touches on this weekend that will soon be known as... ""Nightmare in Evanston""- where like the flicks of years past, the dialogue is inane and the plot is head-scratchingly confusing, but what's most important to remember is that it's all in good fun and no football players were hurt in the filming of the movie.
It begins as any other Saturday for the Badgers, but this Saturday would end in a much more sinister way, much more deadly. Well, not deadly, more like embarrassing...
Evanston was a town much like Madison, but without any of the fun or beer and with a lot more money.
""What was that?"" one of the players asks as a breeze causes the team to shiver. ""A ghost? A bat? The chances of us making it to the Rose Bowl?""
""Oops,"" an unnamed quarterback says as he overthrows a receiver. ""That was me.""
Slightly shaken, the team gathers on the sidelines. This is Northwestern, they remind themselves. And they are the Badgers. And nobody beats the Badgers... well, except for UNLV and Purdue... but other than that, nobody beats the Badgers.
""I'll be right back,"" Anthony Davis says as he leaves the sidelines to begin play. The fans groan. After all, they have seen ""Scream: Losing to Las Vegas."" They know all about the rules.
""There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to survive a football game!"" someone shouts out from the stands. ""First, you can never drink or do drugs!""
Silence.
""Second, you can never have sex. Big no-no. It's a sin. It's an extension of number one.""
Crickets chirp.
""And last, you can never, ever, ever under any circumstances say 'I'll be right back,' Cause you won't be back.""
The team scoffs. They are the Badgers. They are invincible. Nobody hurts the Badgers, especially not dinky Northwestern. But as Davis limps off the field, it becomes clear... this is no ordinary game.
At the end of the second quarter, with the Wildcats at fourth-and-six, the Badgers defensive line huddles for an important discussion.
""OK, answer this question,"" one of the linemen asks, biding his time before the attempted field goal. ""Who was the killer in 'Friday the 13th'?""
""Jason! It was Jason!"" another answers with excitement.
""Morons,"" the fans shout. ""It was Mrs. Voorhees. Jason doesn't show up until the sequel! And Northwestern just faked the field goal and is on the three-yard line!""
And like Jamie Lee Curtis in ""Halloween,"" when instead of running, she stays in the house, Wisconsin came back onto the field for the second half despite my protests from the couch, and so the curse continued...
Two missed field goals.
A rushing game that was less effective than Neve Campbell's acting performance in ""Scream.""
And a score that in the end made you feel as guilty for watching as you felt when you cheered as Kelly Rowland got her throat slashed in ""Freddy vs. Jason."" Because while Rowland forced you to listen to a summer of ""Survivor,"" the Badgers kept you away from such productive things on TV like VH1's ""I Love the '80s Strikes Back"" and the FX marathon of ""The O.C.""
So, now we have a week off. But beware... there may be a sequel to ""Nightmare in Evanston,"" and it would not surprise me if it was titled ""I Know What You Did at the Metrodome.""
Kate Hedlin's column runs bi-weekly on Tuesdays. She can be reached for comment at kehedlin@wisc.edu.
