All Hallows Eve is again upon us, the night when the dead are said to set forth from their sepulchers and amble among the living. So, what should you do if, after the alcohol fog lifts around Monday or thereabouts, you find that an errant wraith has wandered into your residence and decided to stay?
Well, first off, congratulate yourself on keeping a dwelling which is at least slightly more habitable than a worm-eaten subterranean pine box, for you are quite possibly in a collegiate minority. But, I digress.
Certain specters can actually be ideal housemates-there are reported cases of phantoms with a penchant for washing dishes or doing laundry. If yours is of this persuasion, or if you're the type who likes to forge unlikely friendships, you may decide to allow the ghost to remain.
If so, you should promptly establish communication with the spirit and begin treating it as you would a flesh-and-blood individual. Set a place for it at dinner, include it in discourse and leave a space for it on the couch when watching TV. The lonely shade will appreciate these gestures of goodwill, for it no doubt transcended the folds of space, time and being so it could experience the cultural pearl that is \Joe Millionaire"" and listen to you prattle on over a bowl of ramen. Good times indeed.
However, if you don't fancy freeloading incorporeal cohabitants, there are some things you should know prior to attempting an impromptu exorcism.
Foremost, don't start tossing holy water and Bible verses about willy-nilly. This may only serve to anger the apparition, especially if it was not a Christian in life. The last thing a pagan spirit needs is another divine foot soldier attempting to convert it after it's already freakin' died. Besides, if your case was ultimately legitimate, the entity wouldn't be pestering you.
A simpler, safer approach to driving off an unwanted spook could be to simply channel your inner Vern and do some redecorating. The phantasm may be fixated on your abode due to an actual physical connection to the site, such as to a particular piece of furniture. Even if it isn't the culprit, you'll be better off without that orange plaid loveseat-it was on the curb for a reason.
Of course, there is always the possibility that the bothersome being's mortal remains rest somewhere on the premises and have somehow been disturbed. If so, you must locate said remains and inter them properly. (It would be a good idea to commence your search under the northern basement window, but you didn't hear it from me.)
Regardless of the course of action you choose, if you find yourself in this rather curious quandary, there are some general rules to keep in mind during dealings with the undead. Speak to them in a calm, clear manner, for many are likely to be befuddled and easily agitated. Avoid physical contact; by getting all touchy-feely you not only risk scaring the creature off, but incurring injury as well. Finally, trust your instincts-if you feel threatened, it is perfectly acceptable to flee.
The above guidelines also apply to encounters with inebriated holiday revelers, especially those engaged in looting and pillaging.
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