Last week, I hired an efficiency consultant. His name is Jeff. School and work have been wearing on me, and friends are saying I need more \me"" time. So it seemed like a good idea.
Our first meeting was a little tense, due to the two papers and several hundred pages of reading I had hanging over my head. He picked up on it right away.
""What's wrong?"" he asked.
""I've got a lot of homework,"" I said.
""Then what are you doing here?"" he said. ""That's not very efficient, Lou...""
""But you said now was the only time you could meet,"" I interrupted.
""Not very efficient at all,"" he continued.
We haven't settled on a fee yet. He says it's inefficient to do that before we can gauge the improvement. He's worked wonders so far.
I get up at seven, bong 12 ounces of orange juice and 10 of coffee and take a shower. Instead of wasting time drying off with a towel, I air-dry while I make my lunch. Jeff pointed out the inefficiency of making two separate sandwiches. Now I just make one big one with two slices of bread on each side and twice the amount of lunchmeat.
I almost always ride my bike to class. When I wear pants, I'd normally have to roll up the right leg, so it wouldn't get caught in the chain. Jeff suggested I cut it off at the knee. He also told me to wear a bike helmet at all times, including in the shower. This way, I never have to wash, dry, or style my hair, and am also safe from time-wasting comas and head traumas.
In class, I highlight the texts with my left hand and take notes with my right. I never ask questions. Any spare seconds during class are devoted to eating or acts of personal hygiene, such as clipping my toenails.
During the hour I used to waste on lunch, I zip over to the library and check my e-mail. I've created form e-mails for replying, rather than personalized ones. There are five. The subject lines are: ""Delivery Status Notification (Failure)""; ""Re: e-mail erotica""; ""Sorry, but I am soooo busy""; ""Sounds Great! Keep me updated!"" and ""Get involved with the Dean campaign."" I've noticed a refreshing decrease in e-correspondence.
Then I head to my afternoon classes, most of which are power lectures. These are terribly inefficient, according to Jeff, because no one our age has the necessary attention span. I make sure to sit next to a student who takes good notes. After 50 minutes, I lean over and say I have to leave and ask if I can get a copy of the next 25 minutes' worth of notes. If they ask why I have to go, I gently tap my bicycle helmet and say, ""you know, on account of the accident."" I've found this works quite well.
Rather than cook dinner or go out to eat, Jeff suggested I take up with a freshman girl who lives in one of the private dorms. I do homework in her room while she's eating dinner, and then she brings me bagels and pocketfuls of broccoli from the cafeteria.
I bike home and go to bed, drinking lots of water before I do, so I can clean something in my apartment or do a little homework each time I get up to go the bathroom.
I have to tell you, my days have never run so smoothly. And I finally have time to notice the little things, like the turning leaves, Mendota's rich fall blue and this gradually worsening twitch.
chunkkicke@yahoo.com.
