Amid another tough loss for the Badgers and cursing Fox's decision to air \Rainman"" over the Bears-Lions game (reasons being an inside joke, I presume), the Badgers basketball team took to the court minus the team's golden-calf recruit Brian Butch. It appears that Butch is the only freshman here at UW who managed to avoid the dreaded ""freshman 15,"" and the 6'11' Wisconsinite now might not be ready to play after dropping to around 200 pounds over the summer.
Now Head Coach Bo Ryan swore (literally) after Sunday's exhibition game that the status of Butch isn't of importance, but I'm guessing those who camped outside the Kohl Center since October to then shell out hard-to-come-by big bucks do care a little bit about whether or not Butch will be playing or declaring his redshirt eligibility. So, c'mon Brian, it's time to pack on some pounds.
It's times like these when wise lessons learned from hours of watching ""The Simpsons"" comes in handy. In one episode, Homer decides to gain weight in order to go on disability. Naturally, hilarity ensues.
Now granted we don't want Butch to reach the point where, in the words of Bart Simpson, he's washing himself ""with a rag on a stick,"" but perhaps it's time for a Madison-adapted version of Dr. Nick Riviera's guide to weight gain. But remember, he went to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, so his methods may be a little suspect.
First, when choosing meals to eat between practices, be sure to pay attention and focus on the neglected food groups.
Whipped: No doubt a trip to Cold Stone, the Chocolate Shoppe or the hundred other ice cream shops on State Street plus a scoop of Babcock's chocolate peanut butter ice cream at the Union would help add some weight. Splurge and get a banana split, but avoid the banana-it's only empty vitamins.
Congealed: I'll be honest, I have no idea what would be in the congealed group. This is where it might be helpful to use Dr. Nick's other helpful advice: ""If you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain."" Here's where Dr. Nick recommends a steady diet of BW3's Buffalo wings and cheese fries, or possibly anything from Brats.
Chocoltastic: You could combine this with the whipped group, but be creative. Chocolate chip cookie dough is an underrated snack choice and everybody loves a frosted cookie from Jamie's on State Street.
Secondly, Dr. Nick and Bart suggest using some creativity when going about your daily routine. ""Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop Tarts."" Or, ""You could brush your teeth with milkshakes."" But there's no need to even work that hard. Just follow the pattern of most college students and pick up the yellow pages, flip to ""pizza"" and let your fingers do the walking... Papa John's, Pizza Hut, Gumby's ... they'll all accomplish the same thing.
Finally, there is the option of Play-dough, but let's leave that as a fallback option.
So Brian, remember: Every second you're out of bed, you're burning precious calories. The future of the team rests within your hands, so keep a cheeseburger in one of them at all times. Bye, bye everybody.
kehedlin@wisc.edu.
