I had my wisdom teeth taken out Friday, and despite what oral surgeons would have you believe, these drugs are great. It's been one wicked buzz after another, punctuated by periods of bristling pain that is itself somewhat intoxicating. It all began with a light appetizer of nitrous oxide.
\You're going to feel a little lightheaded,"" the anesthesiologist warned, placing a small mask over my nose.
Small black dots twirled before my eyes and I couldn't help but laugh as I reflected on the potential risks associated with wisdom tooth removal. One in a thousand patients experience permanent damage to the nerve near the lower tooth's roots, leaving them with no feeling in their tongue, lower lip or chin. The mask's seal was poor, and a steady stream of leaking gas was burning my eye, but I was too amused to complain.
The doc tried to pull the old ""cut your face open, give you low-grade painkillers"" trick. I might have been without wisdom teeth but I was no dummy and I explained, around a mouthful of bloody gauze, why I needed stronger pills.
""I broke my ankle,"" I said. ""And I had those hypercodones, and my stomach didn't settle with them. So I think I better get something instead. But I hear there's a lot of pain.""
He said that wouldn't be a problem, so he prescribed me what he said was a slightly less potent OxyContin. The pain has proven to be more intense than I anticipated, and I've been popping two pills every four or five hours.
Being on this much medication makes little things difficult. Take making a milkshake, for instance. Everything was going OK at first, but I was having trouble getting the right consistency. I kept adding more milk, then more ice cream, until eventually the blender was filled to brim, at which point I forgot to put the lid on before hitting ""puree.""
For some reason, I had the blender set up on the stove, and all the overflow went down into the burners and between the stove and the wall. I started to clean it up, but then felt nauseated because I'd taken the pills on an empty stomach, so I drank a few sips of what was left in the blender and went to bed.
My decision-making skills are also greatly impaired. Just last night, I decided it would be a good idea to watch Monty Python's ""And Now for Something Completely Different,"" which a friend had generously rented for me. Not even a grade two narcotic can make that movie funny.
I've improved to where I can eat semi-solid foods now. The precautions I have to take, combined with my still-impaired speech and general disorientation, make ordering in a restaurant a chore.
""Why would there be seeds or nuts in the chili?"" the waitress asked.
As you've likely gathered, these pills are still kicking my ass. Which brings me to my main point: What is the greatest ""Saved by the Bell"" episode of all time? Send your nominations, including what happens in the episode and why that qualifies it as number one, to chunkkicke@yahoo.com. Episodes of ""Saved by the Bell: The New Class,"" and ""The College Years,"" will be disqualified, but those episodes aired under the show's original title ""Good Morning, Miss Bliss"" will be accepted.
