Japan. This glorious island nation has brought us the way of the Samurai, the art of origami and Master Splinter, who raised four radioactive mutant turtles and trained them to be fierce ninjas ... and radical at the same time. And now they bring us the greatest contribution to television since scrambled porn.
\Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.""
For those of you who haven't seen this show, I pity you and those who raised you. ""Playmakers"" might have Cuba Gooding Jr.'s crackhead brother, and ""The Best Damn Sports Show Period"" might bring the genetic misfit known as Tom Arnold, but Spike TV has Vic Romano, Kenny Blankenship and Captain Tennile rocking Takeshi's Castle!
Now we all know the Japanese are a bit off when it comes to entertainment. If you have any doubts, compare our animation, which usually involves cute animals with wise-cracking voices, with Japanese animation, which usually involves pre-pubescent girls blowing the head off a half-dog, half-man beast from the moon. Our entertaining chef: a guy who says ""BAM!"" a lot. Their entertaining chef: Morimoto, who'd kick the living crap out of Mr. ""BAM!"". Their wrestling: two 400-pound men slapping bellies until one falls out of a ring. Ours: Two oiled-up guys flipping off ropes and pretending to fall on one another ... eh, OK, that one's a push.
But where else but Japan can one subject their contestants to wallowing through manure, getting chased by a pi??ata and then throwing themselves head-first into a door that's either real wood or paper? And where else but Japan do contestants allow themselves to be scrunched into hamster balls in order to be thrown down a pinball machine-type apparatus? And where else, but Japan, do contestants try to swing onto a platform, only to inevitably smash their faces against it and fall awkwardly down into a puddle of mud.
And where else but Japan do they enjoy every minute of it? I've seen a woman run across some rolling logs, slip, smash her face on the front log, smack the back of her head on the back log and then flip face-forward into a muddy pit. After which she smiled like she was chewing Orbit gum. Fabulous!
That's what makes this show work. Not just the sexually suggestive occupations of the contestants, or the Michael Jackson-type military uniforms of Captain Tennile's minions. It's the sheer joy one exudes when a woman is smacked squarely in the face with a soccer ball 200 feet into the air. It's the utter laughter that permeates a room when they see a man try to run across slippery boulders while wearing a Christmas tree, only to slide balls-first onto a stepping stone.
Despite all of the ridiculous events, MXC (as it is known on the streets) is what makes sports so wonderful. For while we like seeing players rise above, we also enjoy seeing them fall flat on their face. For Packers fans, it's Nate Poole. For Vikings fans, it's settling with 4th and 26. For Yankees-haters it's Clemens' signing. For Cub-bashers, it's Bartman.
So I say, more MXC for all! And while you're at it, bring up some more Slamball, where they finally answer the question: What would basketball be like if played inside a DZ: Discovery Zone?
Michael Jones is a senior majoring in political science and international relations. He can be reached at michaeljones@dailycardinal.com.
