There is no proper way to eat a Cadbury Crme Egg. And that's the way it should be.
Cadbury eggs are one of the few foods that put the consumer at the disadvantage. It's of the same family as sloppy joes and spaghetti. They are always enjoyable but practically require a blueprint to eat without making a fool of yourself. Where the pasta and the joes seem intent on leaving sauce or meat on any available surface, the candy egg is a subtler challenge.
You can nibble on the thing, but that leaves the little flecks of chocolate piling up at the edges. After running your teeth across the narrower end a few times, you look down and realize your teeth are a mockery to all things serrated. Then, after a few more attempts at breaching the hull, the chocolate remains while the filling is still missing. A few more nibbles bring success, but then there's a gaping hole where you only want a spout.
Another option is to get a good grip on the egg and just take a chunk from it. That, however, is an iffy course of action. Half the time the egg splits across the shell and leaves the insides all over your hands. If you are successful, it only means the crme finds its way to every place except your mouth, sometimes crawling up toward you nose. It would seem like something as simple as eating an egg would be an easy task to manage.
The best way to assault the small fortress of a Cadbury crme egg is to take the thing in whole. Just pop it in your mouth like it's some oversized grape that oozes calories instead of juice. It's bulky for a while as it clatters around your molars, but when you get your teeth on it, the egg submits. Then enjoying the egg is just a matter of containing your satisfaction.
To feel the crme finding your tongue is to drink some combination of honey and heaven. For a second the sensation is staggering, and it only gets better. If any candy can make cavities feel good, it's the Cadbury crme egg.
Where other candies always arrive long before their time is due, the egg is a welcome sight long before Easter. In fact, it's available right now and Fat Tuesday hasn't even arrived. More than the robin or groundhog can, this confection indicates that spring is coming.
Cadbury eggs can't be enjoyed singly. These things should come by the carton because just about everybody would buy a dozen. They must be purchased by the handful or not at all. Thankfully, they are the right size for about three to a hand. That's probably the reason we have two hands.
Ben Schultz is a senior majoring in English and history. Email him at blschultz@wisc.edu.
