During the painfully limited amount of \free time""I have, I like to think about what I'd rather be doing at this stage in my life instead of writing six-page essays on the impact of Marxist thought on 1960s counter-cultural radicalism or memorizing the cloud variation over the southern coast of Madagascar. Usually it involves being the lead singer of a Def Leppard cover band or opening my own 1980s-themed State Street tavern, but lately, my daydreaming has taken a more realistic turn.
To put it simply, this school gives out a lot of grants. Like most colleges and universities, UW-Madison doles out millions of dollars a year to fund research projects in all fields, from biochemistry to Sanskrit, and frankly, I want in on the action.
I'd be willing to bet that 98 percent of all grants awarded at our school are going to very worthwhile causes; whether for cancer research, gene-mapping or the historical migratory movements of ancient indigenous peoples, they all serve some useful purpose in either academia or the real world.
But I'd also bet that there are more than a few research proposals every year which receive generous funding, but lack ""realistic"" value beyond their limited field, say the mating habits of hedgehogs on black Formica flooring versus olive green shag carpeting.
I propose the university put into effect a temporary moratorium on some of these not-so-urgent-and-imperative research grants, and shoot that cold, hard cash my way. Together, we'll call it the University of Wisconsin/Peter N. Long Foundation for the Advancement and Continuation of Pertinent Research and Study (UWPNLFACPRS), and ""get our learn on.""
First off, I'm going to need my own building. No, not just an office or a floor or entire wing will do, I need a new building, on Bascom Hill, with all the proper educational amenities for learning, including a bronze statue of the foundation's creator and chairman-me. I don't care if we have to knock down North Hall or Education or whatever, this needs to get done ASAP.
Oh, and I will have none of that cheap, barely-there plaster of Paris they slather all the new buildings with-it's marble and hard oak only in P. N. Long Memorial Hall. You will respect FDR's New Deal-era ideals and like it.
Secondly, I'll need a staff. I'm not quite sure what the sociology department has going on these days, so I'll take them. Because UWPNLFACPRS isn't about personal titles and occupational stratification, everyone, from the TAs to the professors emeritus, will be called ""First Mate,"" and address each other as such. They will refer to me in the third person, and always prefix my name with ""his Excellency"" or ""the Esteemed.""
Thirdly, we're going to need beer. This is UW-Madison, not Harvard for gosh sakes, and I will not allow the administration to shy away from our proud heritage.
Finally, UWPNLFACPRS will acquire a fleet of forklifts because A) I am certified to operate most types of tow-motor vehicles and B) much of our research will rely on quick, efficient transport around campus. Nothing says ""MAKE WAY!"" like two steel forks at waist-level.
What will UWPNLFACPRS research, you ask? Frivolous research grants and their perceived value in contemporary American society.
I'll write a book or something.
writePNL@yahoo.com.
