Hello. Tani is out this week hopped up on painkillers from having her tonsils removed. To cover for her, the editors had to decide between letting me guest write, or re-run the review of \Anti-Hero."" Then they realized ""Anti-Hero"" wouldn't fit in the space.
So, here I am with a public service for you, the reader. Some of you will be graduating soon and looking for employment.Some of you are looking for a summer job. And someof you are just looking for enough cash to bail your friend out of jail for trying to throw down with a Brats' bouncer. No matter which group you fit into, writing is the answer for you. That's right, writing!It's fun, it's easy, and you can possibly even be paid for it. With that in mind, here is a quick list of three E-Z Writing Professions to check out.
Ghostwriters write the books that famous people are too lazy to write about themselves. Every time you buy a book by a celebrity and the title includes ""with,"" ""assisted by"" or ""as told to,"" what it means is that the celebrity talked to the real ghostwriter for about an hour and then went back to drinking soy latts while the ghostwriter wrote his or her life story. Talk about easy. Heck, what you don't remember you can just make up.
Step back and think for a minute here.Do you know what food is? Congratulations! You're qualified! You don't even have to eat any of the food. Just watch how it's made and then write it down. And most of the names are self-explanatory.Grilled Chicken Sandwich? How about ""A piece of chicken, grilled and served on a bun?""
See? Simple! And what you're not sure on, just leave blank.People will find it mysterious and order it anyway. Sound too good to be true? It probably is, but someone somewhere had to do it.
Those of you who enjoy the history of World War II know Stephen Ambrose's work. His stories have been called ""The most gripping account of the Second World War that I have ever read."" -Joseph Heller
""A valuable and fascinating record."" -The Times-Picayune
""Lies! All lies! The Allies just got lucky!"" -A. Hitler
Whether you side with Heller or Hitler on your views of Ambrose and his sometimes overly liberal use of other writers' material without their permission, there is one thing everyone can agree on: Stephen Ambrose is dead. So there's currently a valuable market waiting to be exploited.
Here's what you do:
1. Go to your county courthouse.
2. Put in a petition to have your name changed to Stephen Ambrose.
3. Contact Simon & Schuster and inform them that the reports of your death were greatly exaggerated and to start sending you your royalty checks again.
4. Watch the money roll on in.
Well, I've got to get back to work now. These burgers aren't going to flip themselves.
Thanks to Tani for giving me this opportunity, and to all you kids out there that will be graduating soon, let me give you some advice.
Go to grad school. I don't need more of you out here clogging up the job market.
OUT!
literature@dailycardinal.com
