I am not a talented man. I can't throw a Frisbee, I suck at most video games, I haven't been able to do long division in years and I'm the worst golfer in the United States.
I am only really good at one thing-I can give a dirty look.
I am a top-notch non-verbal communicator. See my picture over there? Without words I'm saying \Look at that amusing thing in the distance. I am smug.""
But my smug look is nothing compared to my dirty look.
If you know me, you've seen this expression. I perform it by tilting my head slightly downward and looking as far up as I can. I crook my left eyebrow up and the right down, pursing my lips into a slight frown. It works best when I'm wearing my glasses.
My dirty look has made children cry. It stops analog clocks and makes digital ones spell ""boob."" I'm pretty sure giving it to my TV kept the Minnesota Vikings out of the playoffs last year.
I use it to make people stop doing whatever I have decided they should stop doing wherever they are doing it.
The dirty look works great on movie theater talkers. Anyone can do this look, but my dirty look does not just make people stop talking, it makes their popcorn taste like rotten cheese.
I depend on my dirty look. It gives me power. But every Superman has his Kryptonite. Mine is the Memorial Library InfoLab.
My dirty look is only guaranteed to work on people violating standard behavioral rules, like movie talkers or Viking cornerbacks.
There is no such accepted set of behaviors for the Memorial InfoLab. Sure, they've posted some ""quiet study area"" and ""no cell phones"" signs, but in reality, the lab is lawless. The signs are just a taunt at people with work to do.
A big part of the InfoLab problem is conflicting cultural norms. Recent studiers-abroad say that in countries like Spain and Italy, it is perfectly acceptable to talk, eat or sing in computer labs. And ""InfoLab"" translates into Chinese roughly as ""cell phone yelling disco party.""
That is not to say that English-speakers don't talk in the lab. English is the InfoLab language of choice for people who will put Chad and Steve on the list for Saturday.
The lab is always filled with people looking for a nice quiet place to be loud. My dirty look is my only weapon here, and I lose most of my battles.
I gave a dirty look to a woman loudly chomping on an apple at the computer next to me. Not only did she not stop eating the apple, she started yelling in Italian at her cell phone. She was probably telling someone about il bastardo at the computer next to her.
I knew then that I needed to improve my dirty look. The next day, I had my breakthrough.
I gave my dirty look to a man talking loudly to someone across from me in the lab. He countered with a look I'd never seen before. It was like my look, only with a dash of computer-lab Clint Eastwood.
His eyes asked, ""Do you have a problem with stares? You're going to have a problem with stairs when I throw you down a flight.""
I stole it from him and have been using it indiscriminately. It shuts everybody up. I call it my dirtier look.
I hope that woman comes back with her apple-I have a score to settle with her.
dlhinkel@wisc.edu.
