Sometime in the last five years, I became intensely aware of just how rude and inconsiderate many moviegoers are. Without fail, I always manage to sit next to some complete moron that's just begging for a swift tire-iron upside the head. People pay up to $10 to go see a film in a theater and then act no differently than if it were playing in their comfy living room. So, in the vein of stand-up comedian George Carlin's bit \Complaints and Grievances,"" here's a simple list of movie-goers who oughta be killed.
Let's start with the guys who can't sit through a two-hour movie without asking their friends what's going to happen next. All I want to do is dump a tub of butter-soaked popcorn over them so they'll be too busy to ask questions that, if answered, are going to piss off every single person around them. Of course, their buddies seem to have no problem going right ahead and explaining every single plot twist and character arc-which they knows by heart, since they've seen the movie eight times already.
Here is another group of miscreants that need to be beaten with blunt objects: the people who can't seem to make it through a movie without bringing in a three-course meal, including a candy bar with the loudest wrapper known to man. Folks, please consider eating a meal before the show. And believe me, if the first three quarts didn't do it, then slurping away to get that last drop of Dr. Pepper isn't going to slake your thirst either. Meanwhile, your little candy land picnic is so loud it still manages to drown out the bass-enhanced THX surround sound that is being piped in from every single direction.
Another band of merry intellectual dead-ends? The people who show up late and expect a prime seat in the middle of the row-or worse, have friends already sitting there. Of course, a discussion must ensue from long-range consisting of half-whispers before this tardy jerk decides to make his way in, bumping every knee and drink on the way. Listen, you want a good seat? Show up before the trailers like the rest of us.
Some more low-lifes that deserve to undergo a lobotomy with a spoon and without anesthesia are the people so emotionally attached to their cell phones that, not only do they leave them on, they actually answer them and discuss the movie right in the theater. If I have to hear the ""Hava Nagila"" ringtone interrupt another already crappy Adam Sandler comedy, I'm going personally slap the phone out of the offender's hand and kick it into the lobby. One would think that these self-important phone-addicts talk enough during every single other moment of the day that they could wait 120 minutes to chat away about the latest gossip.
On and on, the list of movie theater malcontents continues. The inconsiderate seat-shifters who kick your seat every ten seconds. The parents who bring their toddler to an R-rated Hollywood blockbuster containing the typical sensationalized violence and sex. Every time I identify one of these theater-going delinquents, I want to leap up and throw their jumbo soda on them so they'll know their antics aren't welcome.
In all seriousness, going to a movie theater has somehow become an experience more akin to watching television than watching a theatrical play. We've reverted to the carnival side-show style origins of the medium, and all it does is degrade the theater experience. Please, treat film with reverence and respect.
And if you just can't behave, at least be prepared to find yourself soaked in a gallon of Diet Pepsi.
wwtemby@wisc.edu.
