Last Sunday, the most meaningful meaningless match occurred down in Florida. A game so shallow in importance yet so self-important that fans paid up to $500 (that's 100 double Jack and Cokes at the Plaza on a Thursday night) just to see two bitter enemies, for all intents and purposes, take batting practice and stretch on the same field. To the untrained eye, this was just an overhyped exhibition game between the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees. But to the learned, this was a chance for the fans themselves to train their minds, bodies and souls alongside their teams. For each fan needs a little spring training in order to cheer for their team in their own way.
Red Sox fans are training for their future self-martyrdom by writing \HOPES and DREAMS"" on pieces of paper and lighting them on fire. Even as we speak, Ben Affleck is prepping his next whiny monologue about the exploits of the hoofed-one known as George Steinbrenner. ESPN's Bill Simmons and the Boston Globe's Dan Shaughnessy are already writing their pieces on why they'll forever be cursed. And Ted Williams' head will be spinning over in his cryogenic chamber in shame.
Meanwhile, Yankees fans are busily searching their dictionaries, figuring out how to use the terms ""mystique"" and ""aura"" in every single conversation they have. They're also training their minds for the multiple times they're going to have to defend Derek Jeter's sub-par defense or why the team decided to switch their pinstripes for storm trooper outfits. But all of those drills come after they have to shine their batteries for throwing.
Cubs fans have it the worst. They have to add new exercises on how to dramatically moan about a bespectacled man in headphones who ruined their lives, their families and their futures as human beings. Vocal exercises are also key, because you don't want to trip on your tongue when you use the term, ""lovable losers"" a million times in a season. And they still have to undergo drills for their most rigorous of physical activities: bandwagon jumping. This includes exercising their arms when they practice putting away and pulling out their Cubs hats depending on the team's success. Meanwhile, across town, White Sox fans are training their eyes to roll back whenever Cubs fans begin to cry.
You might be wondering, how do I, one of 12 known Brewers fans, train for the season? Well, that's easy. Brewers fans train by drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and bemusing ourselves with stories that we have up-and-comers in the farm system that will turn this franchise around. This year, we've decided to disperse our clichd hopes with dialogue from Chappelle's Show.
Arvind: ""So I think that Prince Fielder is going to be an all-star by 2005.""
""Me: ""YEEEEAH!""
Arvind: ""Do you think so too?""
Me: ""WHAAAAAT?""
Arvind; ""Do you think he'll be an all-star by next year?""
Me: ""WHAAAAAT?""
Arvind: ""Stop screaming like Lil' Jon!""
Me: ""OKAAAAAAY!""
Arvind: ""Man, I hope Richie Weeks produces some offense this season, or else Sheets is in for another offense-less season. Want another beer?""
Me: ""YEE, YEE, YEEEEEEAH!""
Arvind: ""GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE! And stop rubbing your muddy boots into my couch, you jackass!""
Me: ""I'm Rick James, bitch.""
Good luck to all teams this year and have an STD-free spring break!
Michael Jones is a senior majoring in political science and international relations. He can be reached at mikejones@dailycardinal.com.
