Like many of you, I am searching for a job after graduation come May. I fear that if I don't find one soon, I might have to resort to my former life of working the streets for hours on end. Of course I mean delivering the mail as a U.S. Postal worker (my summer 2003 job). What'd you think I meant? Oh, sweet Jeebus, you sick S.O.B.!
Ideally, I would like something where I can continue to pursue my ever-present passion: sports. Naturally, I entered myself in the NFL Draft. There are 45 quarterbacks eligible in the draft this year, but I think I could outdo most of them because I possess what the \experts"" harp on when explaining how physically untalented QBs succeed in the pros: intangibles. Man, I'm full of intangibles. On the Intangibles-O-Meter, I only score behind Derek Jeter. Intangibles come oozing out of pores. Some might call it acne, but I beg to differ.
Unfortunately, my agent Drew ""I-gots-a-crippled-Willis-McGahee-paid!"" Rosenhaus told me that it will take more than ""intangibles"" to land a big contract. So I decided to get an edge-the chemical way. Sure, some of you might frown upon my methods, but I'm just trying to be the best baby! So I'm taking Levitra.
You read me right. Levitra.
It's right there in the commercials, people! We've all seen them while watching our sporting matches, our reality television programs or the videotape of the girl from across the street when she comes home and stretches in the ... anyway, I digress. Just watch the Levitra commercial. That middle-age dude always seems to accurately put the football through the tire as his wife is watching, and his spirals are always tight too! All thanks to that miracle pill. I mean, if Levitra isn't for improving your passing, what is it for, huh?
Aside from the dry mouth and the unexplainable ... ahem, lack of comfort in certain parts of my body, I've never been throwing better. You might say I'm cheating, but they're safe and growing in popularity.
Take the Milwaukee Brewers and Detroit Tigers. Two weeks ago, both teams' prospects this season were about as promising as a Joey Lawrence musical comeback. As of yesterday, the Brew Crew has hit 12 homers, the second most of any team in the majors. And Detroit is tops in the AL Central at 5-2. And what is their secret? You've guessed it ... Viagra. Since 500-plus homerun hitter Rafael Palmeiro came out popping these blue babies last year, production has gone up in more ways than one.
It's even hitting some of the individual sports. Just take a look at Phil Mickelson. Before this season, his performance at the majors has been a bit, well, impotent. Don't worry, zero for 42 happens to a lot of guys. And now look at him. The winner of the most prestigious golf tournament, all while grinning like a doped-up idiot. And you want to know why? Because he WAS doped up ... on Enzyte. The male enhancement drug helps one in all aspects of male life, especially one's golf game. And not only was Phil happy, but Mrs. Mickelson seemed perkier too, didn't she?
So scowl all you want! Because when I'm named heir apparent to Brett Favre, you won't be nearly as high and mighty. Now if you excuse me, I'm late for my consultation with my physician.
Michael Jones is a senior majoring in political science and international relations. He can be reached with comments at mikejones@dailycardinal.com.
