I really need a job.
Allow me to rephrase. I need a job, not quite as badly as my senior friends graduating with history, political science, Sanskrit and journalism degrees will be needing jobs in about two weeks, but I definitely need something for the summer.
With less than a week away from May-and Mifflin Street Block Party-I don't have any job prospects solidified for the post-vernal/pre-autumnal season, but certainly not for a lack of effort. Unfortunately, as many of you are well aware, scoring seasonal employment each summer is about as hard as subletting a stuffy apartment bedroom for anything more than 10 percent of what it originally cost.
Doubly unfortunate is the fact that there exist a bevy of cool jobs for the summer, save for the reality that most have already been filled. Memorial Union Terrace outdoor bartender, roller coaster tester, Van Halen tour guitar tech-almost makes me want to cry, or at least dive head-first into a power hour.
A few days ago, I was discussing my pathetic summer job outlook with a few gentlemen, and they advised me to \write a column about it, dude."" What better way to shamelessly use The Long and Short of It to better further my personal aims and desires than to make my own reverse-""Help Wanted"" ad?
And thus, Mr. Gehan and Mr. Vandehey, you may now count your namesakes amongst such illustrious names as Edward Van Halen, Paris Hilton and Mike Jones, and the vast league of noms important that have appeared in this column. Thanks for the idea!
Wanted: One decent, sort-of-well-paying part-time employment opportunity for the summer.
Location: Preferably Madison, Wis. Honolulu, Palm Springs, Daytona Beach and Venice locations also considered.
Hours Available: 15 to 30 hours a week, Monday through Thursday, 12 p.m. to 8 p.m. Overtime available, mandatory overtime not even considered.
Job Description: Multiple. Ability to lift 30 to 60 pounds, or quarter-barrel equivalent. Jobs may include (but are not limited to): assisting with suntan lotion application before, during and after bikini photo shoots; consuming 40 Chicken McNuggets in one sitting; competing in triathlons involving golf carts, mopeds and Slip 'n' Slides; Nerf field testing.
Skills/Experience: Fork-lift certification preferred. Extensive knowledge of Van Halen, Huey Lewis and the News, Men At Work and Boston lyrics a must. Prerequisite fluency in Spanglish or dude-speak, but will teach on-site. Must be a quick thinker, especially in situations concerning '80s teen comedies (i.e. Weird Science) or Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) cartridges (i.e. R.B.I. Baseball). Dodgeball familiarity a plus, air guitar proficiency highly encouraged.
Prospective future employers, please note the e-mail address at the end of this column, where you can direct all job offers and signing-bonus contracts. Interview appointments can be made with my secretarial staff through our toll-free number, 1-800-JOB4LONG. Interviews usually conducted at our office located at 800 Langdon Street, out on the Terrace (interviews conducted inside Der Rathskeller in cases of inclement weather).
Peter N. Long is an equal opportunity employee.
