For the more literal-minded thriller movie fans, there are only two things one needs to know: Is it scary, and does it portray a realistic danger? Cardinal Arts is here to break it down.
Premise: A sudden ice age freezes the world, wipes out most of civilization, and leaves a few survivors to represent humanity.
How feasible is it? Not only did director Roland Emmerich put forth some seriously fuzzy science, but global warming watchdogs everywhere have expressed concern that such a wildly fictionalized and off-point spook story might set their cause back decades.
Is it scary? Well, on the one hand, the movie portrays a world in which Jake Gyllenhaal of \Donnie Darko"" is one of the few people left to perpetuate our species, which is pretty frightening. On the other hand, at least it's a world without Maggie Gyllenhaal of ""Secretary."" That sure sounds like a draw.
Premise: An isolated village of people awkwardly speaking archaic English have a solid peace treaty with the unnamed creatures in the woods around them... or do they?
How feasible is it? As the movie progresses, in a rare break from summertime thriller tradition, it actually becomes more feasible. Sadly, being feasible doesn't save it from being lame.
Is it scary? Yes, but only because tickets for movies like this continue to increase in price and remain non-refundable. But in the traditional sense of scary? No, not so much.
Premise: A movie studio hopes to squeeze one last bit of life from two dead horror franchises by pairing them together.
How feasible is it? That depends whether the viewer thought the ""Predator"" movies and the ""Alien"" movies both seemed viable. And even with open-minded audiences, we're not talking about a towering work of belief-suspending realism here.
Is it scary? Well, it probably scared the bejesus out of ill-informed moviegoers who were expecting an oddly named Supreme Court drama. But for everyone else, the smarter money is on the originals of both franchises.
Premise: A corrupt corporation captures an army unit and maneuvers a brainwashed soldier onto the presidential ballot more than a decade later.
How feasible is it? Some aspects of the movie are just out of touch with the current political reality-like only showing one presidential candidate, who looks like a soft-core porn star. And come on, it's not like either real-life party is putting forth a vice presidential candidate who is either strikingly young or tied to a multi-national, U.S.-based company with dealings in Iraq-oh, wait.
Is it scary? Sure, some people might find a story of almost infallible political corruption to be especially poignant at a time like this, but how scared can anyone be when Denzel Washington is serving as muckraker?
Premise: A prequel to the ""Exorcist"" movies.
How feasible is it? About like the other ""Exorcist"" movies, only much, much more boring.
Is it scary? Try this: the guy who directed ""Die Hard 2"" is still working, the guy who directed ""Cutthroat Island"" is still working, and the guy who directed ""Driven"" is still working; and they're all the same guy. He's Renny Harlin, and he directed ""Exorcist: The Beginning."" Does it get any scarier than that?
Premise: A society that depends on subservient robots is suddenly faced with a robot that isn't so well-behaved.
How feasible is it? If Windows had arms and legs and sucked just a little bit more, we'd basically be there already. Give it a couple of years.
Is it scary? In the post-""Terminator"" world, parables for our society's electronic dependence aren't quite so novel and scary anymore. But next-generation versions like this are still a lot scarier than eighth generation religious nightmares and freak ice ages.
Premise: Generic fratboys search for the site D.B. Cooper crashed with his treasure, but end up finding themselves. And bears. And a guy who cooks squirrel. And a platform for a movie so poorly conceived, it's almost scary.
How feasible is it? Few summer thrillers ambitiously abide by the laws of physics in the way that ""Without a Paddle"" does. And, amidst surviving the hundred-foot drop off a waterfall, a swallowed cell phone continuing to ring from inside a bear and Seth Green getting a girl, at least one thing is implausible: current scholars believe D.B. Cooper was really Duane Weber, who died with his wife of 17 years in Florida in 1995.
Is it scary? The movie, pitched as a comedy, is a nonstop thrill ride of almost-jokes and horrific site gags. It is, perhaps, the most frightening Matthew Lillard project this side of ""Wing Comander.\
