College presents many anxieties, but perhaps the most nerve-wracking thing we do as students is introduce ourselves at the first meetings of discussion sections. Whatever the course is, first impressions are just as important in the classroom as they are at parties. For 15 words or so, you have the attention of your peers. Some of them are attractive, some of them are competing with you, and all of them are sizing you up. And whatever you say can seal your place in the discussion's social and academic hierarchy for the rest of the semester.
But for any classmate of mine, you can save your pitiful attempts to be top dog, because I have reached the pinnacle of student status. I am a fifth-year senior.
What's so cool about being a fifth-year senior, you ask? Well, think about that first day of discussion. The TA asks the students to say their names and their years. The progression in my class will go something like this:
\Hi, I'm John and I'm a sophomore.""
""Hi, my name is Chris and I'm a junior.""
""Hi, I'm Amos. I'm a super senior.""
My classmates will sit up straight and stare wide-eyed at me. Maybe there will even be a well-timed crack of thunder. But no matter what else happens, from that moment on, there will be no question who is at the top of that discussion's food chain.
Sounds pretty nice, right? You bet it is. But it takes a lot of hard work to be a successful fifth-year senior. If you want to be a super senior, you have to start planning your super future from day one.
First of all, hold off on choosing a major. Find something wrong with every department you explore. And if you have already declared a major that suits you well, then develop a sudden interest in something for which you have no talent. If you're a singer or art historian by nature, try abruptly deciding that you're passionate about mechanical engineering.
Breadth requirements can help your academic delay, too. Pick one specific requirement and make it the bane of your existence. Take me as an example; I've dropped four different Quantitative Reasoning B classes since I started here. I once dropped an accounting class because my professor sounded like the evil bald guy from ""The Princess Bride"" and I was too distracted. Would I miss that opportunity to delay my graduation? Inconceivable.
Or how about an unjustifiable study abroad program? Say you're double majoring in women's studies and Spanish. A semester studying in Zimbabwe would both make you more worldly and do absolutely nothing to help you graduate. And in the end, worldliness is what being a super senior is all about. While pedestrian four-year seniors graduate, you get to accumulate 25 percent more college memories. Freshmen will gaze admiringly at you, while juniors feed you grapes and sophomores fan you with palm fronds.
Becoming a super senior takes hard work and planning. You have to want it worse than you've ever wanted to graduate. But if you play your cards right, some day you can be like me, and after four years of preparation, you can step into the first discussion sections of your fifth year and be more than just a super senior. You can be the alpha senior.
amosap@hotmail.com.
