Women believe many stereotypes about men. They believe we crave violence, sex, glamour and pretty women to gaze upon. And my approach to these caricatures of masculinity has always been \don't rock the boat."" But at a certain point, excess is just excess and even the horniest, most destructive guy has to admit that things have gone too far. I recently reached that point, and that point is ""Perfect 10 Model Boxing.""
This is what happens when your parents have cable and you have nothing to do at three in the morning. You're flipping through the channels, and suddenly your eyes actually land on something out of the ordinary. But on this very late night, the entertainment was very out of the ordinary.
Ben Stiller sat in the crowd, nervously eating popcorn, while Vince Vaughn grinned beside him. Inside the ring stood an elderly referee, who nervously furrowed his brow, with beads of sweat traversing the creases of his forehead.
And in the middle of all this anxious attention stood two beautiful, statuesque women. Beating the ever-loving snot out of each other.
What cable had presented was an amalgam of every terrible stereotype of what guys want. These women were tall and thin, with straightened hair, immaculate makeup and breast implants. They wore short shorts and tight tops. The least revealing articles of clothing they wore were big, red boxing gloves with which they pounded each other mercilessly. They glistened with sweat as they ravaged each other.
Before their fights, the boxers were presented alongside nude pictures of them. They were introduced in interviews, during which they smiled and giggled at how lucky they were and how much they enjoyed this soft-core pugilism.
""When I walk into a ring, fans can expect the best fight they've ever seen,"" smiled Jenny Leone, who at 131 pounds was among the heaviest of the boxers. ""I love hitting.""
Now sure, this spectacle was enjoyable for the first few minutes-I'm only human. But at a certain point, something felt wrong. Violence by women is one thing when it's the cartoonish world of ""Kill Bill,"" but entirely another when you're presented with actual women taking on the worst violent attributes of men.
The reality of over-the-top wish fulfillment events is that combining mismatched things just because you like all of them is a bad idea. Sure, I'm a stereotypical guy, and I love violence, competition and women that conform to fascist beauty standards. But combining all three is like mixing Cajun chicken with hot fudge and ninjas. It doesn't really work, and the result is weird, gross and kind of dangerous.
I admire the perfectionism of a man who says to himself, ""You know, I'd like to see some hot women fighting. And I won't settle for mere nines. I want these women to be 10s."" But that doesn't mean it should actually happen. Guys think up all sorts of stupid things that shouldn't come to fruition. That's how we got ""Star Wars"" prequels and motion-activated paper towel dispensers.
We should take our excesses as they are-separate-and enjoy them. Otherwise, we get troubling results, like ""Perfect 10 Model Boxing."" But that doesn't mean we have to ignore our separate tastes for violence and sex appeal.
That would be rocking the boat.
amosap@hotmail.com.
