Everyone who said Ben Affleck couldn't do worse than \Gigli"" was lying to themselves. He's killed patriotism in ""Pearl Harbor,"" science fiction in ""Phantoms,"" and even sexual freedom in ""Chasing Amy."" It was past time for him to assault another film genre, which he does by turning against the holidays in ""Surviving Christmas."" True to form, the film is an abysmal stab at being a Christmas classic, sucking the holiday spirit out of an audience faster than the Grinch ever could.
""Christmas"" focuses on Drew Latham (Affleck), a Chicago advertising executive whose girlfriend leaves him days before Christmas. Drew can't bear to spend another holiday alone so he returns to the only place he's ever been happy: his childhood home, now inhabited by Tom Valco (James Gandolfini), his wife Christine (Catherine O'Hara), and their children Alicia and Brian (Christina Applegate and Josh Zuckerman). Desperate to share their happiness, he hires the Valcos as his family for the holidays in exchange for $250,000.
Affleck supplies a twisted enthusiasm for this role, pushing everyone around him into holiday activities such as tobogganing and tree shopping. He never grows beyond shallow condescension, asking Applegate to be the maid since he didn't have a sister or forcing Gandolfini to wear a Santa hat. There is a rapidly building desperation behind his hysterical cheer, but it's unclear whether that comes from Drew's realization this isn't real or Affleck recognizing another nail in his career's coffin.
Gandolfini has said in interviews that playing Tony Soprano takes a great deal out of him, and it's plausible he took this role simply so he wouldn't have to try. He glares and grumbles at everyone around him, with only his enormous beard displaying any charisma. There are moments where the Soprano in him sings, such as when he smashes a shovel over Affleck's head, but he sadly stops short of chopping it off and stuffing it in a bowling ball bag.
The supporting cast is simply embarrassed to be there. O'Hara tries to channel a Christmas mom similar to her role in ""Home Alone,"" but provides little more than vapid cheer. Applegate has the expression of a deer in headlights and the personality of an ice sculpture, while Zuckerman is sullen and forgettable. Bill Macy offers a few laughs as Affleck's hired grandpa ""Doo-Dah."" but these come solely from old man stereotypes.
None of the characters show any development, mainly because there is absolutely no room to grow. Directed by Mike Mitchell of ""Deuce Bigalow"" fame, the film flows like someone pasted together Christmas specials from failed sitcoms and expected it to work. The jokes are stale offerings that only merit laughs for how bad they are, relying on clich?? sexual references.
The film tries to generate some romantic Christmas spirit, but it's completely eliminated by the fact no one cares. A subplot involving Gandolfini and O'Hara's marriage fails to generate more than casual disinterest on both their parts. On his side of the film, Affleck builds an emotionless romance with Applegate that is only comparable to his pairing with Liv Tyler in ""Armageddon.""
Suspended a year to raise the profits of Affleck's bomb ""Paycheck,"" ""Surviving Christmas"" should have taken the hint and gone straight to video. Affleck continues to flog his career's dead horse, performing so badly he manages to infect Gandolfini and everyone else around him. The only consolation it can offer is since it came in October, everyone can forget about it in the two months it will take for real holiday spirit to roll around.
