I was 19 the first time my Army National Guard unit was activated to invade Iraq. I received a call on Friday, Feb. 14, 2003-Valentine's Day-and having just returned from class, I was getting ready to have a romantic dinner when the phone rang.
\Private Zukas?"" came the voice on the other end. ""I have to read you something and you may want to sit down.""
The sergeant told me the 1158th Transportation Company was being alerted. I fell into despair and spent that evening worrying about my future.
I continued to push through classes here at UW under constant paranoia for two weeks. A couple weeks later at our monthly drill service, we were officially activated for ""Operation Enduring Freedom.""
I broke down. I panicked and thought I was dying. It felt like I was already dead. Now I had to tell my parents, sister and extended family, and then my friends, professors and everyone else. I had to drop out of school and explain my situation to dozens of strangers. Each time I had to tell someone it felt like I was inching closer and closer to my death. As I waited for March 15, the date of our mobilization, I grew more and more depressed.
This was war and there was no escaping it.
We mobilized quickly because we were not allowed to take much. We packed necessities and tried to prepare for a place we had never dreamt of before. My dad dropped me off at the armory early that March morning. It was bitter cold, which seemed to suit the circumstances well. We got out of his truck, unloaded two duffle bags that contained my entire world and embraced. It seemed I could not let go and neither could my father.
This marked the beginning of three months of hell.
My company would be processed through the Fort McCoy military base just outside of Tomah, Wis., before we were deployed. At this point we still had no idea where exactly we were going. The U.S. military hadn't invaded Iraq yet, so we could have been sent to Iran, Afghanistan or any number of countries near the border.
The media knew more about our deployment than we did. We finally found out through local papers and news stations that we were bound for Iraq. We were kept utterly in the dark and it was taking its toll on our morale.
My optimism declined steadily. I had been attending monthly guard duty at Black River Falls, Wis., but unbeknownst to me, I would be fulfilling this activation with another detachment within the company. I knew no one and had no friends. I was going to war with strangers.
We ended up staying on Fort McCoy for just over three months, though it felt like a lifetime. We trained by preparing for attacks, practicing checkpoint searches and going over basic medical care practices. It was three months of continuous paranoia.
I now wonder if the waiting was even more stressful on soldiers and families than if we had gone overseas immediately. Every phone call was made as if it might be the last. As we watched the invasion of Iraq on someone's black-and-white TV from our barracks, some of us cried while others got drunk.
After months in the dark, when rumors circulated about our next move and our nerves were shot with worry, we were told there was no longer a mission for us in Iraq. The fighting had lulled, and the government thought it had things under control. We were happy, but disgruntled too. We had dropped out of school, and left our jobs and families. We waited months, not knowing anything about our future. Now we wouldn't even return as war heroes.
I returned with horrible nightmares I will never forget. More than once I woke up soaking in sweat. I'd walk over to my roommate's bedroom crying. She'd calm me down and we'd fall asleep only for it to happen all over again a few nights later. I can only imagine what returning vets are now experiencing.
By the fall my previous friends from college had moved on and some had moved away. I couldn't relate with them like I used to. It seemed no one appreciated life the way I did. I'm sure most soldiers deal with this upon their return. Eventually I did make new friends, but after leaving high school, transferring colleges and being mobilized for war, I had started my life over three times in three years.
When rumors began circulating this past spring about another activation this fall, I was terrified. I tried to be strong like I had been the first time, but depression set in again and anxiety soon followed. I told myself ""I'm going to die in September."" I felt I would die emotionally and physically if I was sent to Iraq. With new information about the circumstances of our invasion I could not support the war. I submitted a request for a medical discharge from the Army National Guard.
It soon became an enormous task just to get out of bed each day to face my worries. I couldn't handle stress of any sort without flipping out and had no news on the status of my request. The littlest things upset me and would throw my mood into fits of rage or extreme depression. Soon my appetite stopped and I had to make myself eat. Early this fall my anxiety worsened to the point that I woke up each morning and involuntarily vomiting, but there was nothing but stomach acid to throw up.
On Sept. 20, 2004, when things felt like they couldn't possibly get any worse, I had to tell my parents a second time I was going to war. I had received another phone call telling me I would be mobilizing Oct. 21, this Thursday, to spend up to 18 months on the ground in Iraq. It was happening all over again.
Last Thursday I called my mom to wish her a happy birthday. The excited voice over the phone told me she was excited about more than turning 49. She said she received the best birthday present ever in the mail that day-official documents regarding my release from the military. I hadn't heard any news on my status in a long time, which felt reminiscent to being kept in the dark for so long before at Fort McCoy. Though the official discharge process is still underway, this was the news we had been waiting so long for. This was the news we had prayed for. Our prayers were finally answered.
I will not and cannot join the 1158th Transportation Company on this mission in Iraq. I hope this horrible war will end soon. I also hope the 1158th Transportation Company can be strong because it takes more than soldiers to complete this mission.
It takes heroes. You are heroes.
