One of the greatest party occasions of the year is fast approaching-that autumn eve when friends gather to chase away the threat of vicious, malicious creatures stalking through the shadows with laughter and libations.
I speak not of Halloween, but of election night, when our collective fate for the next four years and beyond will (hopefully) be cast. But standing between us and alleviation of the wrenching anticipation are enough layers of incompetence, corruption and spin so wretchedly appalling, it would set Ashcroft atwitter.
Seeing as how Martha is stuck behind bars, some other evil bitch with a serviceable domestic aesthetic has to step up and help you plan respectable election night return-watching parties to get though it all, and dear, probably- already-inebriated-if-you-even-exist-at-all-this-week readers, I am here, reporting for duty.
First off, in addition to the assumed mind-muting beverages, you'll need snacks, the less nutritious the better. I recommend the classic chocolate chip cookie, warm from the oven and dressed up for Election Day with white chocolate chips and red and blue M&M's. Here's a fool-proof recipe:
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and flip off the TV as a state goes to Bush. Next, blend the chocolate chips and M&M's with pre-made sugar cookie dough while you spew a string of particularly pernicious profanities at the prattling pundits on your screen. Evenly space spoonfuls of the dough onto cookie sheets, take a moment to de-stress with a primal scream that would make the good Dr. Dean proud and bake until the edges are golden brown-scrumptious!
Now that you've got the snacks squared away, it's time to roll out the games. Entertain your guests with a few rounds of Spin the Heinz Ketchup Bottle, Artfully-Evaded Truth or Scripted-Spontaneity Dare, Admitting Mistakes is Not an Option or the new classic, Pin Katherine Harris to the Grill of a Runaway Cadillac. For those who relish word games, give a whirl to Kerry Flip-Flop Word Scramble and What \W"" Really Stands For, or simply see how long you can carry a conversation speaking only in recognizable candidate campaign rhetoric.
And though they may be a decidedly unsavory lot, including a few Bush supporters in your guest list can make for even more entertainment. Before the festivities commence, write ""WMD"" on the bottom of one of the plates. Partway through the party, reveal this to your revelers. The lucky harborer will win a prize, but the real fun begins once the Dubya-philes start arguing how their plates with no ""WMD"" on them are equally winners.
One final, cautionary note on safety: Political discourse can get rather volatile, particularly in mixed partisan company this election cycle, so make sure none of your party favors can become inordinately injurious projectiles should things go the way of a Taiwanese budgetary debate. Also, be sure to secure any knives used during food preparation-you don't want your hard-planned soiree descending into a stab-happy Madison Green Party meeting.
True, all the revelry in the world cannot make up for a disappointing electoral outcome. But if you wind up inconsolably devastated, there's always the oven-you just made cookies, you know it works.
Holly Noe's column runs every Friday. Wake her up when the election is over at flamingpurvis@yahoo.com.
