When I first heard one of the latest weapons the Madison Police Department has added to its arsenal to combat drunken disarray at this year's State Street Halloween extravaganza was the family hayride, I sincerely thought someone was kidding.
Either that, or whatever brand of dastardly rogue had tried to discredit poor, crazy old Dan Rather with those phony memos on President Bush's National Guard service had struck again, this time at the Cardinal.
How else could it be legitimately posited that bringing children, their middle-aged parents and the elderly downtown for an afternoon of hayrides could possibly serve to head off, halt or clean up the aftermath of the fracas all-but-destined to commence when the booze stops flowing at bar time?
It made no sense-why wouldn't one bring these folks out for a late night/early morning of (slightly modified) hayrides instead?
Indeed, the solution the city's riot-control squad has been searching for appears to be staring it straight in the goggles: When you've got a high-class freak show on your hands, the only prudent thing to do is start charging admission.
Indeed, what Madison family wouldn't jump at the chance to observe, for a nominal fee, the fabled night of tricks, treats and tear gas from the safety and comfort of a shatter-proof, projectile-vomit-proof roving glass enclosure?
Taking the curiosity-seeking public on lush-spotting excursions deep in the heart of State Street would not only open the event to a more diverse audience (one who may actually see it as culturally illuminating, or hell, even remember it later without the aid of incriminating photographic prompts) but also plump the police department's pepper spray coffers for if and when it all descends to ruckus regardless.
Startup costs would be negligible, as there have to be some retired Pope-mobiles out there just waiting to be called back to active duty to serve a tour half this noble. Even those festive red trolleys could step up and definitively earn their keep, while giving more unsuspecting pedestrians the opportunity to experience highly entertaining, near-death experiences of the Mr. Rogers persuasion upon stepping off the curb.
And of course, no respectable State Street safari would be complete without a suitable guide, ideally of the dapper, British-accented, nature-documentary type:
\Ah, State Street: A wondrous pageant plays out here each year on the eve of All Hallows, when natives and visitors alike venture outside their day-to-day spheres to adorn themselves in ritual costume, partake of rapturous social revelry and openly consume copious amounts of chemical substances of varying degrees of illegality. It is truly a magnificent display.""
Holly's column runs every Friday in The Daily Cardinal. She can be reached at flamingpurvis@yahoo.com.
