Hello and welcome to the erectile dysfunction pill pre-column show. Today's column will match up Fox Sports against everyone else. In past weeks I have come down on ESPN for its latest programming decisions, but let me make myself clear. My thoughts on ESPN were merely constructive criticism, whereas Fox Sports programming is just plain bad.
It is important now that I bring up the second-rate airline stat of the pre-column. The only person ever to leave ESPN for Fox Sports Net and still be successful was Keith Olbermann, and he had to leave Fox Sports and go to MSNBC to do so.
With that, we send it out to the field where the column is about to begin.
I really don't have to say much about Fox Sports Net, since its shows are so ridiculous that they make my argument for me.
\I, Max?"" ""Around the Horn,"" Jr.? It's easy to see why this show isn't working. Not only does it have an annoying sell-out for a host, but the show is based around a sport (boxing) that no longer exists as far as the United States is concerned.
Now it's time for the diagnose yourself dot com injury report. Today's focus is on ""I, Max"" host Max Kellerman's aching heart. After leaving ""Around the Horn"" because he was offered more money to do ""I, Max"" for Fox, he now realizes he shouldn't have left ESPN after all. The truth is, he didn't make the show, the show made him.
We move on now to ""The Next Great Champ,"" a reality show about the sport nobody cares about, produced by a champ that nobody remembers.
Then there is ""The Sports List."" Top ten lists? Overused. Summer Sanders? Overused. This begs the question: Is going from Nickelodeon to FSN actually a promotion?
Now for the ambiguous, fast-food restaurant, useless stat of the column: Sanders has won four Olympic medals.
Moving on to the ""Best Damn Sports Show Period,"" a show that is hosted by a washed-up comedian, a washed-up NBA journeyman and a washed-up New York Jet ... oh yeah, and that other guy.
This is FSN's rival to ESPN's ""SportsCenter""? A more equal match-up would be with ESPN's ""Cold Pizza.""
Please note that there will be no crappy movie Play of the Column because this is a column about Fox Sports.
Getting away from FSN, I can't help but notice the sub-par coverage by Fox of one of the most historic Major League Baseball postseasons in recent memory.
Between the four teams that advanced to the League Championship Series, Houston was the only city that did not have a baseball team in 1901.
The ALCS featured two of baseball's most bitter rivals and the World Series is between two of baseball's most historic cities, but all you can give me for a pregame show is Jeanne Zelasko making jokes that aren't funny and that other guy chiming in every now and then.
It doesn't get any better once the game starts. I mean, I like Joe Buck, but he's never going to fill his dad's shoes, especially when he has to try and do so while sitting next to Tim McCarver. Hey, what inning do you expect Brandon Arroyo to come in and pitch for the Sox?
Not to mention we have to deal with mid-game interviews with Jim Edmonds' fishing buddies and that guy Leon from the commercials. Can we just get on with the game already?
Or how about the live look-ins of Boston fans at a New York City bar? How does that make any sense?
As much as I love watching postseason baseball, I was cheering for a sweep last night just so I wouldn't have to sit through another Fox broadcast.
Now let's send it back to the studio for the random bank postgame show.
It seems like Fox has enough money to buy mediocre commentators away from ESPN to use on mediocre shows on Fox Sports Net. Perhaps they should put some of that money toward color commentators who have at least some knowledge about the players who are playing in the World Series.
Eric is a junior planning to major in journalism. Feel free to e-mail your useless stats to ejschmoldt@wisc.edu.
