The end is near. We only have eight days until the political ads and celebrity speeches will all be over. Finally the advertising space on television will be used for something more important, like car dealerships or sporting good stores.
In just eight days, millions of people will have the opportunity to cast a vote for president. And while the rules for voting and the election process are set in stone across the nation, I would like to propose some suggestions.
First suggestion is best expressed as an anecdote. I went to my music class last week with a water bottle. Inside the water bottle was apple juice and melted ice. Upon entry into the classroom, an inquisitive freshman pulled me aside and asked, \Is that a mixed drink?""
I wanted to say, ""Yes, na??ve girl, this is a mixer, which I have cleverly hidden in this clear plastic bottle. Hope you brought your pot, dirty syringes and ecstasy. I bet you hid them in a Tupperware container in your instrument case. This is going to be the most rockin' band class ever!""
But instead I just looked at her, stated my innocence and walked away. Because of this, the first suggestion I would like to make is that everyone who gets to vote must have some common sense. How do we prove that on Election Day? Well, taking a lesson from the Peter N. Long School of Common Sense, we throw something at them as they enter the polling place. My personal preference would be hot coffee, staplers or poison darts. If they make it unscathed, they get to vote. Poison darts to the eyes really weed out the riff-raff.
Next, can somebody please help the elderly? I know that senior citizens weren't the cause of the Florida election fiasco in 2000, but my grandma lives in Palm Beach County, and I am willing to bet she had something to do with it.
I think that people should get to vote using whatever medium they are most comfortable with. The elderly can use ink and quill. Some of them could whip out a telegraph, or two tins cans and a rope. This would speed up the voting process, and avoid mishaps later. Save the Internet and those crazy levers for us young ragamuffins.
Or we can just get rid of this entire system and decide the presidency by feats of strength. These challenges will include arm wrestling, a hot dog eating contest, dance-off, a race around the world in a hot air balloon, an academic decathlon, and a debate on a hot button issue like foreign policy or Britney's wedding. Whoever wins four out of six is leader of the free world. It's as fair as fair can be, and all of these events and the training for them can be chronicled in the soon-to-be-hit reality show, ""I'm a Politician-Get Me Out Of Here.""
So yeah, I've got a few ideas up my sleeve. This country would improve tremendously if we put them into effect, but unfortunately, they won't. (That is until I get some street cred' on Capitol Hill.) So let's do the best with what we have and vote. And I swear that's the last you're going to hear about it from me... at least until next week.
erincanty8285@hotmail.com.
