At the beginning of the semester, my poli sci professor offered my class an intriguing, albeit somewhat unsettling method of understanding which candidate \average Joe"" voter will select as their president on Nov. 2. This method, in the form of a simple question, is quite telling: Which candidate would you rather sit down and have a beer with?
Since then, between processing the heavy barrage of information about the candidates from their respective campaigns and the news media, I've often found myself toying with the query offered by my professor.
Which candidate would Peter N. Long rather sit down and have a beer with? The answer is simple: the UW-Madison women's volleyball team.
I am certain that enjoying a tall cold one with the entire Badger volleyball squad would be a much more enjoyable option than sitting down for a brewski with either President Bush or Senator Kerry.
As a young college voter, I feel like I could relate to the volleyball team much better than the two major presidential candidates, as I enjoy volleyball immensely, the girls on the team know what it's like to be a college student today in America and they are much easier on the eyes.
Unfortunately, I cannot cast my vote for the UW Women's Volleyball team on Nov. 2, though I would prefer a platform centered on blocks, aces and the Bump-Set-Spike Education Program.
As a moderate in a highly-polarized political atmosphere, I need a deciding factor in my candidate selection. Bush lacks environmental policy, Kerry couldn't balance his wife's checkbook let alone the country's debt, and the Iraq issue has been marginalized to the point of nausea. The most viable option left is the initial question: Who would I rather have a beer with?
On the outset, Kerry seems like the lesser choice, as the problems would start the minute we'd order drinks. Desiring my vote, Kerry would go into glad-hand mode and try to impress me by ordering a Wisconsin beer.
Because the only thing he knows about Wisconsin is that he needs all its electoral votes on election night to become president, he'll have a meltdown deciding if Miller or Budweiser is from the state and end up asking for a Smirnoff Ice. I'll order a Leinenkugel's Honey Weiss and completely throw him off his game.
Routinely changing your stance on political issues is one thing, but flip-flopping at the bar is completely unacceptable.
However, Bush wouldn't be a much better bar mate. Perhaps his macho-rugged, cowboy-type personality would make him the more ""logical"" choice, but I prefer to keep it more relaxed and low-key when I'm out on the town.
The president and I would saddle up to the bar, where he'd immediately start posturing to the barkeep and the other patrons while making outlandish demands.
""Get this young man a pres-i-dential sized brew dog, like we got down in Crawford,"" Bush would command, showing his ability to lead, but also his hastiness to alienate our barroom allies.
After a couple beers and a flood of partisanship, I'd have to look both men in the eye and say, ""Enough is enough. I don't want to hear any more about your wives, your families, your records or your patriotism. I want to know about you, and why you're the best man for the job."" Both will stare at me with blank faces and wide eyes, like two little fawns in the middle of the highway.
""This decision,"" I'll mutter to myself, ""is going to take a few more beers.""
writePNL@yahoo.com.
