Since all anybody wants to know about these days is Wisconsin football, what better place to get even more information about our beloved Badgers' trek to the Rose Bowl than the world's most-used source of information?
That's right, I'm talking about the Internet. Now, everyone knows how to type something in and then hit \Google search"" (I hope). But what about that neglected, useless button on the right--Google's ""I'm Feeling Lucky"" button? Could it, in fact, tell me what I wanted to know? There was only one way to find out--start typing in questions to see what the Internet spits back at me. Sure, this may be stupid, but maybe you will find it refreshing to hear something other than ""1 and 0."" Let the interview commence.
How are you today, I'm Feeling Lucky button?
I'M FEELING LUCKY.
Will Wisconsin go undefeated?
I think Oklahoma has the best chance to go undefeated.
I didn't ask about the Sooners. I asked about Wisconsin.
Every Friday or so I'll try to answer some of your e-mailed questions.
Why do I have to wait until Friday?
I'll have to check with my Zionist overlords.
OK. Can we get back to talking about sports?
Can you drive to the Bronx?
Not really. That's pretty far.
If you can take the stress and enjoy learning, it just might be fun.
What would you do once you got to the Bronx?
Somaya, originally from Sweden, lives in New York City.
I see. Well that's blunt. Can we talk Badger football now?
Badger magic.
Yes, Badger magic. Are we Rose Bowl-bound?
I am a bit late with my picks this week, I was run over by a Pabst Blue Ribbon truck yesterday...
Are you in pain?
Pain That Won't Go Away.
Why don't you go to the doctor?
Sean Penn called me last night and said he was quitting the movie business until after the football season.
You talked to Sean Penn instead of seeking medical attention?
*cue the dancing rabbits*
Perhaps this isn't the best time for you to talk Badgers with me.
SHAMELESS PLUG: My new book, ""Ask Me Anything: Provocative Answers for College Students,"" has just been published by NavPress.
Ask you anything... OK. What is the meaning of life?
DAMN YOU! YOU INFERIOR TWIT!
There's no need for name-calling.
There's no denying the obvious.
Whatever. Can you predict how the Badgers' season will end?
They are all mythical championships.
A myth? You don't think we will make it to the Rose Bowl?
Football is the toy department of human life in this sense: It doesn't really matter who wins or loses a game.
Actually, I think it matters to a whole lot of people around here.
It is a very serious, but uncommon disease.
You are very depressing, I'm Feeling Lucky button.
The greatest supervillain of all time.
So there you have it. Just like those pesky Bowl Championship Series computer rankings, Google is also not so high on our chances at glory.
Given the way technology seems to be going against us, I wouldn't be surprised if the only way Wisconsin loses a game-and its Rose Bowl hopes-would be on an instant replay call.
mtworringer@wisc.edu.
