I never imagined perfection would approach me in a brown suit and mustard colored tie.
But I can work with that.
In the dim, cozy coffee shop, we exchange only a few words, most of which pertain to his cup of the house, which he takes black, to go, although he stays for a bit.
Before leaving, he inquires about my book on American contraceptive history, which leads to a brief conversation about a research paper he wrote on masturbation.
And that's all it took.
Oh vintage-dressed mystery man, you are my new celebrity crush.
A celebrity crush is not like a real crush at all. It's a person one doesn't know, but loves anyway. It's precisely this lack of knowledge that allows one to mentally mold the subject into an ideal mate. Most importantly, getting aquainted with a celebrity crush destroys the fantasy.
My celebrity crush plays the harmonica. He's initially shy, but eventually opens up to reveal his awesome wit. He's awkwardly gorgeous and is completely unaware of this. He's left-handed. He's had a few girlfriends but (and this is extremely important) he's not still hung up on any of them. There aren't any ego trips, lash-outs or jealous fits. He's brilliant, sensitive, artistic and silly.
Of course, none of this is actually true.
In reality, he probably has the IQ of a precious UW football player, deals Ritilin to kindergartners, kills puppies and worships the vile Chicago Cubs.
So after crafting my victim's image right down to the complex story behind his frayed shoelaces, I have to ask myself why.
Wouldn't it make more sense to meet a nice boy and slowly develop a sensible crush on him? Why the celebrity crush?
So I put a few facts together.
Celebrity crushes pop up when uninspiring routines hold me down. At a university where creativity is almost always implicitly discouraged, my imagination is crying for an outlet. So when monotonous and less-than-motivating classes crush me, I guess I just can't help but crush back.
And I'm not the only one. I've known other celebrity crushers- creepily building up unsuspecting peers to fit their unattainable definitions of perfection. I've heard that others daydream of fighting as ancient warriors in honest battles. Still others prefer to fantasize about ridiculous careers as a professional athletes or Renaissance architects. Others just build bombs in their basements.
In any case, it seems we're a bunch of creatively frustrated individuals.
While I can't offer a solution at this point (too preoccupied falling in love with unsuspecting college boys), I can say acknowledging that most of our peers have some pent-up creativity is a good first step. 'Cuz most of us have a few more profound ideas than our daily activities let us express. Take it as a given that the curly-haired girl in a Wisconsin hoodie would rather breakdance before lecture than discuss the weather. While she may not bust a move with your professor, sending her some accepting vibes may lead to more stimulating conversation.
Or maybe I've overestimated us and we're actually quite content in our robotic ways. Celebrity crushes and homemade explosives a demand for a more balanced life.
I guess if that's the case I've got just one message left:
Brown-suited dude-call me.
ewinter@wisc.edu.
