I have a confession to make. Several confessions, actually. You see, dear reader, I am not the wonderful person some of you may think. I have had my problems and have perpetrated my fair share of evil. The thing is, it's not my fault. I blame the gays.
A couple of years ago, I was walking along the street and saw two men holding hands. This preposterous show of immorality blinded me from all that is right and good in this world. I was so filled with unholy rage when I saw those two heathens that I decided to divorce my wife.
I loved my wife. I truly did. The thing is, we were going to have a baby, but after seeing what I saw, I felt I could never dare bring a child into this sick world. So, before I kicked the wife onto the street, I took her to get an abortion.
Man, what a trip. I went to the Planned Parenthood clinic filled with visions of offending God, and I felt really good about it, too. I knew it would be painful, but at least I could take comfort in the fact that I was killing a baby. As I sat in the waiting room, I noticed a whole bunch of women looking around nervously. Some of them were crying. They must have been crying tears of joy; they were, after all, here so they could have the pleasure of destroying a human life.
I had such a high from killing one baby that I decided to go and kill a bunch more, too. So I went to the hospital and burned down the maternity ward. If there is one thing I hate, it is seeing impressionable little children running around in this world.
After I left the hospital, I decided to celebrate the destruction I had caused by buying some pot. When I got home my dog, Spichek, jumped on me as I walked in the door. He hadn't been out all day, so I figured that as soon as I was done getting high, I'd best take him for a walk around the block.
But then I smoked a joint and totally forgot about him. After a while, he had to get out so badly that he jumped out the window. I never saw Spichek again, but I did see some pretty colors.
That night, I turned on the news and saw that a nuclear bomb had hit Montana. After I saw the footage of the mushroom cloud over and over, the good people at Fox played a tape of Osama bin Laden, who was taking credit for the bombing. \I'd like to thank all you dirty American hippies,"" he was saying. ""Without you folks buying drugs, I would never have been able to afford that nuke from Saddam.""
It was then that I realized what I had done. My goodness, I said to myself, how could I? So I decided to repent. I went to Liberty University and talked to Jerry Falwell, and after a bit of soul searching, he said I would be forgiven if I voted Republican in the next election, because without the godless Democrats I never would have been allowed to do what I did. I had seen the light.
Then, just last week, I saw the same two men, holding hands and walking down the street, looking lovingly into each other's eyes. ""Man,"" I said to myself, ""don't these people realize the trouble they cause?""
Sam Berns is a senior majoring in political science and religious studies.
