Well, it's Election Day. Too bad Wisconsin is one of those oh-so-important swing states, or you could really have some fun with the write-in spot. Sure they all have their pros and cons, but just look at all these candidates from the sports world you could pencil in. Hell, they have as good a chance as Ralph Nader.
Pros: Each week America would improve a bit; mentality of \1 and 0"" ensures Stocco would stay focused on the important issues of the week: health care, the economy and hitting Brandon Williams on the post route.
Cons: Iraq, Iran and North Korea are a bit more daunting than Central Florida, Penn State and Illinois; White House press conferences would reach new levels of dullness.
Pros: Used to handling a large budget. He got Alex Rodriguez to coexist with Derek Jeter--Sunnis and Shi'ites in Iraq ought to be a piece of cake.
Cons: Would keep changing vice presidents until Joe Torre takes the job; likely to get in trouble for trying to buy your vote, especially if it is a southpaw.
Pros: You want the United States to be respected internationally? Hey France, see what happens if you disagree with Bobby. Also, no need to worry about language barriers--throwing chairs is pretty much universally understood.
Con: United States is more of a perennial Final Four kind of country, whereas Bobby tends to be a second-round-and-out kind of guy.
Pros: Would be tough on defense, a key issue in this election. Also, Ahman likes to think he is Batman. Batman would make a good president.
Con: Tends to drop the ball when it really counts.
Pro: Talk about strengthening your armed forces--Brett's still got a cannon of an arm even at age 35.
Con: All political activity would have to take place in an outdoor arena. Favre's never done well indoors.
Pros: Would appeal to growing U.S. Hispanic population; not afraid to play hardball with enemies.
Cons: By the third time through the lineup of foreign diplomats, they will have all figured out his game plan; hairstyle not very presidential.
Pros: Has a lot of free time right now; already shown he's capable of accomplishing very little, so running government would be an easy transition.
Cons: Remember when there used to be an NHL? Do you want that to happen to America? Also, zambonis would slow down presidential motorcade.
Pro: No worries about a recount here--the new Heat superstar pretty popular in Florida right now.
Con: Who's going to provide Secret Service security for a 7'1"", 330-pound president? William Perry? Gilbert Brown? John Daly? Akebono? That big guy who always loses the Coney Island hot dog-eating contest to Takeru Kobayashi?
OK, enough of this silliness. Although you may care more about the shoulder of Green Bay's No. 4 than who is going to shoulder the next four years for America, get out there and vote.
mtworringer@wisc.edu.
