At the White House each November, the president traditionally grants a pardon to the Thanksgiving turkey that would have been eaten. This shows the lighthearted, good nature of a president who would never kill a turkey that hasn't been convicted with DNA evidence. But when movie studios produce turkeys, they rarely let them live for long. Films unapproved by John Q. Public don't last long in theaters, unwatched TV shows get pulled and unpurchased CDs inspire bands to break up.
However, some of the lowest-esteemed things become the most loved. No one saw \The Shawshank Redemption"" in theaters and it still became one of everybody's favorites. There are arts flops which, like the president's turkeys, should have been spared.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, we honor the turkeys of the art world that should have been pardoned.
The next time you complain that network television cop dramas have been completely monopolized by ""Law And Order"" spinoffs and America's nauseating love affair with ""CSI,"" chastise yourself for not watching ""Boomtown"" when you had the chance. Not only did the show make cool use of ""Reservoir Dogs""-style out-of-sequence storytelling from multiple perspectives, but those perspectives were played by some of the best forgotten movie actors of recent years. Bubba from ""Forrest Gump,"" the young hot shot from ""Iron Eagle,"" Donnie Wahlberg-those guys have families to feed.
But no, you didn't jump on the bandwagon when you had the chance. Now Bubba Jr. goes hungry, while you wait for ""CSI: Rutherford."" Way to ruin TV for the rest of us, America.
Richard Kelly's low-budget film ""Donnie Darko"" came and went through theaters in 2001 with little to no response. ""Darko"" never made it past limited release. Nonetheless, in the last three years, this quirky '80's-styled science-fiction drama about a psychologically troubled teen has developed a strong cult audience. In fact, the DVD proved popular enough to prompt a Director's Cut release this summer-which also never gained enough steam to make any significant money at the box office.
The fact is ""Darko"" appeals to no specific niche. It is not uncommon to be met with only odd stares and raised eyebrows, since any description of the plot must necessarily include the phrases ""lots of Tears For Fears songs,"" ""a six-foot imaginary bunny named Frank"" and ""Jake Gyllenhaal discussing the sexuality of Smurfs."" However, Kelly's highly original writing and direction makes the film a unique creation completely worthy of cult status. Plus there's lots of Patrick Swayze.
While parents brought children into the theater for ""Big Daddy"" to watch Adam Sandler adopt a child to impress a chick from Hooters, there was an actual children's movie raking in absolutely no money. For kids, ""The Iron Giant"" was a buddy movie between a boy and his gigantic alien robot with the message that anyone can choose to be great. For grown ups, it was a heartfelt boyhood fantasy set against the background of '50's nuclear paranoia. Disney never appealed to the adult side of adults the way ""Iron Giant"" did. It was an edgy, moving flick, but lacked the urination and immigrant humor of its competition.
""Sports Night"" was Aaron Sorkin's first foray into television. Before people were fawning over Martin Sheen and ""The West Wing,"" this 30-minute dramedy about the staff of a sports news show was receiving large amounts of critical praise. However, the audience never followed. After three years of uncertainty, ABC finally cancelled the show.
""Sports Night"" has a distinct style; along with Sorkin's trademark rapid-fire witty dialogue, the show is packed with amazing tracking shots throughout a full standing set. The show attempted to mix heavy amounts of drama into the traditional sitcom format. ""Night"" eventually dropped a superimposed laugh track, leaving behind a show focused on character evolution. The ever-changing relationships between the myriad of characters created a dramatic depth rarely seen in a traditional sitcom. Similarly, ""Night"" would often address political or social issues in both serious and humorous ways. ""Sports Night"" was a rare example of innovation in television comedy and has succeeding in finding a dedicated set of fans through home video.
MTV aired ""Sifl and Ollie"" until they realized how hard it was to get people to watch a weekly improvised sock puppet musical comedy. That it lasted for two seasons was amazing, but it was a shame it didn't last for more. Lots of shows are funny; ""Sifl and Ollie"" was just plain gleeful. No show since has brightened a day the same way.
You might be able to file perfect TPS reports, discuss the strong points of the red Swingline stapler and show off your ""O-face,"" but you did not learn those things in a movie theater since ""Office Space"" bombed quite horribly when it was released in 1999. Director Mike Judge's opus made a paltry $10 million at the box office and only with the advent of DVD could it become a cult classic worshipped by millions of cubicle jockeys. Even though it has become quite popular, its chilly initial box office doomed any chance of a sequel, causing downtrodden Milton to set 20th Century Fox on fire.
The Sega Saturn was a whole lot of fun. Not many people know this, because roughly seven people purchased a system, but those that did met an onslaught of fantastic games-from ""Guardian Heroes"" to the ""Virtua Fighter"" series and the best game ever created: ""Shining Force III."" However, the system was doomed from the start. The Saturn represented perfection of two-dimensional gaming, which had been the status quo in the video game world. While it had 2D prowess, its 3D powers were lackluster.
The status quo was thrown out several months later when the Playstation came out with a powerful 3D system, which put the Saturn to shame. Complicating matters more, Sega led a horrible marketing campaign. Sega tried surprising Sony by releasing the system in May as opposed to the expected September release. This led to system shortages and a lack of games, which set the Saturn behind both Sony and Nintendo and it never gained its bearings.
Many people remember Orbitz drinks with their little tapioca jelly pellets floating in high fructose corn syrup, or the wretched Crystal Pepsi which had a novelty factor that withered faster than an Old Navy seam, but the greatest liquid treat ever to come from the minds at Coca-Cola was OK Cola, a citrus-flavored cola that focused less on flavor and more on fun. Its most exciting element was the ""1-800-I-FEEL-OK"" full of absolute nonsense to distract pre-teens and teens in Denver, Seattle, Austin, and the Twin Cities from their reading of ""The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle."" Unfortunately, the drink never made it outside of a few isolated areas.
Del Shannon will be best remembered as the guy who wrote ""Runaway."" Even though he scored a bunch of other minor hits, he'll never get his due. In a world that idolized Buddy Holly, only one thing could prevent a man of Shannon's talent for playing pre-British invasion style rock and roll: the British Invasion. Shannon became the last of his genre, a man totally disenfranchised from his era's tastes. Having had one hit before the Beatles changed the world's view of rock 'n' roll, Shannon kept trying to reclaim his glory by recording songs that sounded like the song he had won with before. But no one wanted another ""Runaway."" Shannon's public had moved on to ""I want to hold your hand."" Listening to his old records is a great way to see the potential in pre-Beatles pop and a great reminder of the direction of pop interrupted by the Beatles. Of course, they weren't too shabby either.
Sugartooth's pop-alternative went entirely unnoticed in the late '90s, even with a Geffen contract and a Dust Brothers produced album, The Sounds of Solid. But the music was incredibly solid, so much so that the Dust Brothers bought the rights to an unused track, took out Sugartooth's vocals, and put in Howard Stern to make the Billboard-certified hit ""Tortured Man.""
One of the greatest programs to ever come out of MTV, ""The State"" was everything that ""Saturday Night Live"" had ceased to be: It wasn't hung up on politics, there were virtually no celebrity parodies and it was consistently hilarious. ""The State"" was picked up for a prime-time special and possible series deal by CBS, but poor marketing on behalf of the network sealed the fate of the show. Since then it's been up to the fans to keep alive the memories of such sketches as ""Porcupine Racetrack"" and ""The Nutcracker in a Tiny, Tiny Room.""
Proof positive Tim Allen can actually do something funny. This 2002 film based on a Dave Barry novel of the same name focuses on the seemingly meaningless lives of several Miami residents that all become involved through a bizarre twist of events. The Barry Sonnenfeld-directed film includes a bona fide all-star cast, including Rene Russo, Stanley Tucci and Dennis Farina, who delivers an absolute knockout performance. The movie floundered because of its release delay following Sept. 11, and because the casual moviegoer isn't smart enough to enjoy the humor of Dave Barry.
This very sharp variety show ran for only 12 episodes (leaving a 13th unaired) on Fox in the early '90s. Not only did it feature a host of tremendous talents before they hit it big (Stiller, Janeane Garofalo, Andy Dick and Bob Odenkirk of ""Mr. Show"" fame) but featured brilliant parody like ""A Few Good Scouts"" and ""Cape Munster.""
Though it finished nearly dead last in the ratings for its time slot running against ""60 Minutes,"" it wasn't totally unnoticed; it won an Emmy for best writing in a variety show after it was canceled.
