As a person who overanalyzes everything, I've built up a few theories on life over the years. Yet, as a person who has such a sizeable cache of life theories, I oftentimes fall short of practicing what I preach.
However, with three weeks left until we escape this madness for a month, I thought I'd share with you one of my very favorite theories, in hopes of brightening your day a bit. I call it my \Hit-By-A-Bus"" theory.
My Hit-By-A-Bus theory works like this: say you have some great problem or source of stress in your life-a bad grade on an important exam, a 25-page paper due three hours from when you start it, your professor threatening to fail you if you don't cook him dinner while dressed up as Raggedy-Ann or Andy, herpes, whatever-and it's keeping you from moving on and being happy.
It looks like the end of the world, and well, it probably is. At your highest point of despair, when the walls are caving in on you and even your precious Facebook message boards can't cheer you up, you need to ask yourself: Will this [exam/essay/weird professor fetish/sexually-transmitted disease/whatever] matter if I get hit by a bus tomorrow? The answer, at least in my experience, is invariably ""no."" Further clarification on my theory is necessary.
First and foremost, this theory does not advocate A) getting hit by a bus B) throwing yourself in front of a bus to end your problems or C) the Madison Public Transit System, in any way, shape or form. It simply recognizes that, should you randomly and unexpectedly get hit by a bus one day, the stuff that you thought was so bad in your life the day before probably wouldn't be quite as important anymore.
Secondly, while I did come up with the Hit-By-A-Bus Theory on my own, there probably exist countless alternate theories with a similar premise. The reasoning behind the theory, however, holds up regardless of the name-Crushed-By-A-Falling-Piano, Eaten-By-A-Herd-of-Rabid-Gnomes, Hit-By-An-Errant-Keg-areall acceptable variations on the theme.
Thirdly, and perhaps the most important aspect of my Hit-By-A-Bus theory, is that if you think in terms of getting flattened by a city or school bus, those sometimes little, sometimes big trivialities of daily life just don't carry as much weight. Your worldview necessarily shifts, and your outlook on life gets some much-needed refreshment.
Again, I'm not saying you can go around town flashing your private areas to strangers and robbing innocent food cart vendors, under the impression that anything you do one day will not matter the next, but taken with a dose of common sense, my Hit-By-A-Bus remedy is just what the doctor ordered.
I'm confident that many have conquered their problems through use of my theory, even if they don't know it yet. Bill Clinton is certainly one (he went from impeachment to the lone shining-star of the Democratic Party in a few short years!). O.J. Simpson is another (what ""evidence""?) I'm sure that SpongeBob Squarepants subscribes to my theory (how ridiculous is this ""SpongeBob Squarepants"" character, anyway?).
If you need it over the next few weeks, take their lead and try out my Hit-By-A-Bus theory. Good luck on everything coming up, and know that, even if you think I'm a hack kid writer, I appreciate you reading my crap.
And even if I didn't, ask yourself: would it matter if you got hit by a bus tomorrow?
writePNL@yahoo.com.
