I have never been a huge fan of the NFL. I don't know why, but for some reason the league has just never appealed to me. It could be because Sundays are usually my day to attempt to be productive, or maybe because I don't really like to watch certain classy athletes-I won't name names-flap their arms like an eagle or pretend to drop their pants in front of a packed stadium after scoring a touchdown.
But in the spirit of Super Bowl Sunday, I am going to put my limited football and psychic knowledge to the test and look to the future for some predictions.
While I cannot answer the burning questions of who will win the game or if the Patriots are going to be the next dynasty, I can tell you that Terrell Owens will play. Well, he will at least suit up.
He will be introduced like the rest of his teammates but as he is running out of the tunnel he notices everyone's favorite desperate housewife, Nicolette Sheridan, has surprisingly now become an Eagles' cheerleader. As he is running by Sheridan, let's just say a \wardrobe malfunction"" on her costume catches TO by surprise and causes him to stumble to the ground, re-injuring that right ankle he has been nursing for the past six weeks. After the game, Sheridan apologizes for the ""wardrobe malfunction"" but not for the increased ratings her show will receive in the weeks to follow.
After the players have been introduced, it is clear that about 20 minutes of commercials will play before kick-off actually happens. The future is still unclear as to what is going to be the best, worst and most annoying commercial but I can assure you that there will be many throughout the evening. If you have TiVo, I'd suggest using it.
My psychic powers prohibit me from determining how the first half will play out, so we will move to the half time show. The NFL is playing it very safe after last year's memorable performance by Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake. The league is only allowed one ""wardrobe malfunction"" per Super Bowl and since Sheridan already filled that quota, they better hope that Sir Paul McCartney doesn't pull any stunts.
The ex-Beatle is set to headline the halftime show but at the last second he cancels because Terry Bradshaw wants to repeat the duet McCartney and Bradshaw did at Super Bowl XXXVI. Last time they collaborated, McCartney felt as though Bradshaw upstaged him and he does not want to be embarrassed again. Ashlee Simpson will gracefully stepin for McCartney but will forget to actually sing and just dance around the stage for the whole performance.
One thing I can tell you about the actual game is that it is going to be close and will be won on the final play. I do not know which team will enjoy the victory, but one thing I do know is that they will not proclaim ""I'm going to Disney World!"" after the game. Endless players have said that line following a Super Bowl victory, but now they are no longer prompted to say it because Disney is not affiliated with the NFL anymore. Instead, the victorious players will now proclaim they are ""Going to Wisteria Lane!""
So there you have it, Super Bowl XXXIX in a nutshell. My psychic skills are improving but if these predictions don't play out, try not to be too upset.
Betsy is a sophomore majoring in sociology and hopefully journalism at some point. She can be reached for comment at eagolomski@wisc.edu.
