If I had $73,500 to spend, I don't know exactly what I'd do with it. Maybe I would purchase a pretty crappy house or a pretty nice car, or even a really crappy house and a really crappy car. I might buy myself a whole bunch of musical equipment so I could be in a band with nobody but myself, which would really allow me to dictate the direction we took. Or, if I were really a nice guy, I would go on a shopping spree at Sam's Club and give the rest to charity.
The thing is, I don't have $73,500 to spend. I'm a college student, so I feel pretty lucky if I can even get an extra 20 bucks to buy a CD. And I would think that, except for those select few geniuses who become stock market analysts at the age of 16, most other students here don't have $73,500 either.
But the residents of 417 W. Mifflin St. had best come up with that kind of money pretty quickly, or else they could see jail time. The seven young men who live at that address got $73,500 in fines for their last party.
Forget that there is no way, short of the greatest bake sale this town has ever seen, they will be able to pay that much money. Forget that as often as not, an easy way to raise money for drug and alcohol fines is to throw another party. As it stands now, there doesn't seem to be any logic to the way in which the police give tickets.
Consider the following two examples, both of which happened to friends of mine when their respective parties got broken up during those dark days when we couldn't drink at the bars with all the big boys and girls.
A few of my friends who lived on Bowen Court decided they would throw a party, so they got a few barrels. At about midnight, the joint was a-rolling, when who should walk in but a couple of finely dressed police officers. As soon as they made sure every single one of the approximately 50 underage guests knew they were there, they instructed everyone to leave, and leave everyone did.
That's it. A few guests, myself included, got a bit paranoid that the cops would come hunt us down, but in the end all that happened was that Madison's finest told the residents of the house not to have another party. They didn't even dump out the beer.
Another fateful day, some other friends of mine threw a moderate-sized gathering for people they knew. A police car that had been called to another party, at which one of the guests was apparently suffering from severe alcohol poisoning, stopped by this house instead. Then one of the police officers-whose name, I've been told, was Officer Pain-proceeded to issue the residents a citation for every person under 21 in the house at the time. The result was about $48,000 in tickets, split six ways.
Such inconsistency from case to case makes absolutely no sense. Granted, if a house is having such a loud party that the sidewalk in front of it cracks, any citations its residents receive should be a bit more severe, but in general there really ought to be a standard by which the police issue tickets for house parties. Whether that standard is to break up the party or fine the hosts ridiculous sums of money is up to the police department, but one should be in place.
The best standard to set would be to have a fine for parties. Rather than issuing literally hundreds of tickets for noise violations, underage drinking, serving to minors and whatever else the ticketing officer decides, the police should set a certain amount party hosts can expect to get fined, and, if possible, be able to pay. Parties that are particularly loud, dangerous or crowded might be issued something a bit harsher. But asking college students to pay tens of thousands of dollars-only sometimes and when they obviously can't pay-is blatantly unfair.
The residents of 417 W. Mifflin St. don't have the luxury of being able to pay a party fine. They can be comforted by the fact that at least a portion of the fines will probably be dropped, but they will still likely have to pay several thousand dollars each.
So, gentlemen, you are faced with having to pay more money than you might ever have in your bank accounts at any given time in your life. Maybe the next folks to live there will have to pay a standard fine when their party gets broken up, but for now, I suggest you get some flour, butter, sugar, milk and maybe even something special to throw in there. Then start baking.
Sam Berns is a senior majoring in political science and religious studies.
