Monday, March 1: An email to Ben Schultz, former Daily Cardinal food columnist, regarding the up and coming eating contest.
Next Tuesday would be a smashing day to stuff our faces with BW3's buffalo wings.
Yes, my friend, get ready for the taste of defeat.
Yours truly,
Kat
Monday, March 1: An excerpt from Schultz's response.
There is no procrastination you can do to prepare yourself for the hurricane of consumption that is my standard manner of eating. ... Just remember, I cause famines.
Schultz
One week later...
Schultz,
Tomorrow's the day... you will look upon me with great awe and wonder how your consumption of 500 chicken wings did not suffice.
Later that day...
Kat,
You'll be in disbelief when I eat my own body weight. ...You can find out why there are so few all-you-can-eat restaurants in Madison.
Tuesday, March 8: Buffalo Wild Wings. Former food columnist vs. current food columnist.
BS: So how many buffalo wings should we order? Forty each?
KP: No, 50.
BS: Sounds good. You do realize what you are getting yourself into...
At the table with 100 wings ready to be eaten:
KP: Alright, we have 40 minutes to eat all 50. Go!
Five minutes pass. Kat and Ben have consumed 18 wings each.
Ten more minutes pass. Kat's total=22. Ben's total=38.
Five minutes later...
KP: I can't do it anymore. I think I am going to throw up. You are disgusting Schultz!
BS: Eating the rest of his wings like a machine. Doesn't say anything.
Shouts from the crowd: Come on, Kat! You have to at least eat half of them! One more and you will be at 25!
KP: (Groans, forcing the last chicken wing down her throat, almost gagging it back up.) Twenty-five! That's it, man.
BS: Fifty!
KP: Shit.
And that was how it all went down. I had been defeated by the man who causes famines. Yes, there were still 20 minutes left, but I couldn't bring myself to eat one last bite of chicken for fear of hurling it all back up.
My friends who came to support me ended up eating what remained of my wings. I sat in disbelief at what Schultz had just accomplished. He then got up and proceeded to go back to work at The Daily Cardinal, as if it was no big feat. Before he left, he told me, \I could probably eat 10 more.""
Well, Ben, I have to say, you put up one heck of a fight. You ate those wings at the speed of light without taking a moment's pause. You sure shocked the heck out of me (and everyone else that witnessed the miraculous feat).
However, I will have you know that the reason for my quick defeat was not due to a full stomach. No, siree. In fact, when I got home I ate two Milano cookies and a piece of Dove chocolate.
It was the taste of the wings that got to me. Monotony's a bitch. At one point, I was chewing the same piece of chicken meat for at least a minute and a half. I couldn't bear the thought of swallowing it. If there had been other types of food on the table, I probably could have consumed a lot more.
I am not saying we should have another eat-off with every kind of food you can imagine. You obviously are way out of my eating league. I just wanted to let you know that I can eat more than you may believe. My performance did not truly reflect my eating capabilities.
Nonetheless, you are an eating machine, Schultz. But while you are probably suffering a little bit of a stomachache, I am sitting comfortably enjoying the rest of my night.
Eww, I just found some remains of Teriyaki sauce on my arm. I'm not going to wash it off just yet. It reminds me of what I did accomplish-25 wings in 20 minutes. That's a little victory in itself. That, and the fact that I am not on the toilet seat right now writing this column.
