Is it hard?\
""Excuse me?""
""You know, is it... hard?""
""Is what hard?""
""The column.""
""Oh.""
Very few people are unfortunate enough to have the same conversation on anything more than a regular basis. OJ Simpson is one (Did you do it?), Pete Rose is another (Was it worth it?). John Wayne Bobbit certainly must be (Did it hurt?), and I don't see how Michael Jackson couldn't be (What were you thinking?). Believe it or not, Peter N. Long is among their company.
Is it hard?
For the last two years, I've been questioned, queried, asked, inquired and quizzed about the difficulty of coming up with things to write about in my column-at least, once a week, and at most, twice a day. I have never been particularly annoyed by the question, but I've always found it a bit silly. Regardless, the question has been an inescapable part of my life ever since I started this column gig...but not for long.
""The Long and Short of It"" will end this semester. For better or worse, my career as a collegiate features columnist will come to a halt at the beginning of May-consider this my ""two-week notice.""
Is it hard?
Writing ""The Long and Short of It"" sure has been one great, wild ride, but I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't looking forward to getting my life back. For me, the hardest part isn't writing the column at all, but everything that comes with the columnist mantle.
The paparazzi are particularly annoying-I can't even get a bite to eat at my favorite restaurants without some annoying photographer or gossip-show TV host getting in my face. ""Tell us who you're dating this week, Peter!"" they always ask. ""The captain of the girl's volleyball team? That hot alto from the co-ed campus a capella group? The entire cast of 'Desperate Housewives?'"" Please. I love the American people, but I'll never understand their incessant curiosity over the details of my personal life.
Women can pose just as much of a problem. Life as a columnist is as lonely as it gets-girls only want two things from me: to make them famous or to introduce them to my Hollywood friends. A girl once dated me for eight months, just because she thought I could get her into the School of Journalism with my ""sway."" You can ask the terrific advisors in the Journalism School that such an idea is ludicrous. Needless to say, she didn't get in-sometimes I wonder who got the better end of that deal. And no, I won't introduce you to Brad Pitt-he's a person too, ladies.
I've encountered a whole slew of other problems during my two years as a columnist, almost too many to list here: tireless movie execs that clog up my mailbox with scripts, weird stalkers who hide in my closet and wear my clothes. Professors who stop class just to ask for autographs. But in the end, the benefits of getting my mug and words on Page 2 each week have far outweighed any of the problems I've mentioned here.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading what I have to write. We have two more weeks together-let's be sure to have some fun.
Peter can be reached at writePNL@yahoo.com.
