Cue folksy guitar...
F# G# Em
Hello boys and girls, my name is Eric. Can you say \Air-ick?"" Oh, very good, well done. For this academic year, I'll appear here every Friday to keep you entertained, talk about whatever I feel like, and promote general collegiate literacy. I am your Friday Featured Columnist. Can you say, ""Glor-ified Jac-kass?""
B Em
Now go on and put down those books and pencils, and try to tune out that professor rambling on somewhere in your general vicinity. Listen up and gather in close, but not too close. Can you say ""re-strain-ing or-der?""
F# G# Em
Perfect, that's it. Now that you're all comfortable, I want to take a second to introduce you to or remind you of where you're at. This is college, a wonderful middle world between basic schooling and the real world. More specifically, this is UW-Madison, a place where breakthroughs in cutting edge research occur, leaders are given the tools necessary to conquer their academic fields of choice and a chemical engineer can get a weekly column in the newspaper. And all any of this takes is hard work, dedication and a delicate mix of bribery and blackmail.
B Em
For the next four to 13 years or so you'll be here reminiscing about what has happened, experiencing new things and looking forward to a bright future of explaining things to or bossing around those suckers who didn't go to college or chose a different school, like ITT Tech or Purdue.
Cease guitar, palm mute strings
Here's a little known fact for all of you out there. UW-Madison is world renowned for its engineering, business and liberal arts degrees. Purdue, on the other hand, is world renowned for sodomizing ducks. Just something to think about.
Continue folksy guitar
F# G# Em
But that's not the point of this little ditty. You're here on campus, in college, and it's a wonderful thing. This is like our own little country here, complete with a questionable government, small-scale entertainment industry, budget problems and a significant affinity for alcohol. We're practically Russia. Don't believe me? Wait two months and the analogy will work even better.
B Em
Yet I'm generalizing a bit, which is dangerous on a campus with someone from almost every possible background/stereotype. This is just another facet of the gem that is UW-Madison; everyone is different and it's impossible to know what the next person you meet is going to be like. Everyone from the damn dirty hippie to the anal uptight conservative can find a home here. We have all the colors of the rainbow on display across campus, which co-mingle and blend together in harmony to produce... um, gray? But gray in a good way, you know, like the goose.
There is just too much to talk about, what with a fresh semester before us and the na??vet?? of previous schooling in the process of being forgotten. Just remember that your success and self worth is directly proportional to the number of friends you have listed on the the facebook and you're only as cool as the most recent pop culture saying you use as a catch phrase.
Lightly strum Em chord, low to high, let fade
Jensen, OUT!
Eric is a SUPER senior-in the same class as Superman. E-mail him at ejjensen3@wisc.edu.
