After a quite enjoyable summer, I noticed the most peculiar phenomenon. While people I knew returned as expected, a group of unknown entities began appearing also. They appeared similar to my friends, yet different, younger, smaller. With my curiosity piqued, I did what any good engineer does; I forsook my social life and spent countless hours in the first floor of Wendt constructing a sturdy fort out of books.
The following information I compiled should be imagined as a narrative by an adult male with a slight accent. Think Patrick Stewart.
As it turns out, the entities in question are called \Freshmen."" While similar to the ""Upper Classmen,"" the typical Freshman is younger, softer and less experienced.
Freshmen come in two variations, male or female. The male of the species typically is louder and hairier. The female of the species has a darker skin tone, eats less and only works out in the weight room during peak times. Also, Upper Classmen males have an inexplicable, deep-seated urge to hit on the female Freshman.
The habitat of a Freshman is commonly a dormitory, or dorm for short. This dorm is similar to an apartment in form and structure, but has a style more akin to a prison built in the 60s. Also, a dorm has resident maternal figures who let the Freshmen practice drinking and smoking without getting caught.
The most unique aspect of Freshmen is that they are the only species to be identified by two different words when in groups. Most commonly, a group of Freshmen is called a herd, due to the docile, wide-eyed nature of day-to-day-movement. However, simply by having a set destination in mind, namely going to, between or from a house party, a group of Freshmen become a gaggle. This fits the movement of the group, which is commonly in a loose formation, honking questions and expletives to each other and passers by.
While some may consider the Freshman species less intelligent, this isn't so. Clear speech patterns present themselves by both male and female Freshmen with a clear hierarchy of control in mating.
A male typically initiates the mating ritual by calling out ""I know where a party is,"" to which the female will either follow him or ignore him completely. Later in the night, after time is spent in a loud, sweaty cave-type dwelling, the female again has control. Either she will leave without saying anything or will let the male know of her interest by saying ""Oh man, I'm soooo drunk."" The female may have to attempt this phrase multiple times, as it appears to be difficult to pronounce for the Freshman species. From here, the pair retreat to a den and proceed. However, fickle as they are, on occasion a Freshman is known to go through the entire mating process only to fall asleep, or ""pass out,"" before the final act.
There is clearly much more which needs to be understood about these Freshmen. They have been introduced to a new environment, and it will take time for them to settle and find their niche in the food chain.
As for the rest of us, we need to be patient and try to help, rather than ridicule and become angry. Evidence exists to support the theory that we were all Freshmen once in just the same environment-changing situation. With a gentle hand, just think; you could do your small part to prepare these unique creatures for their release into the wild.
