With the boom of the California dairy industry in the early '90s, Wisconsin lost the title of 'The Dairy State.' However, we are still the nation's leading producer of cheese at 2.5 billion pounds annually. Being a Wisconsinite all my life, I think my patented Dairy Drunk-O-Meter is just the thing to jump start the charge and regain our prestige as America's Dairyland.
What is the Dairy Drunk-O-Meter, you ask? It is a revolutionary and cutting-edge technological method of detecting what one's level of intoxication prior to passing out was. I've perfected the Dairy Drunk-O-Meter over the past four years.
Being an avid milk-drinker all my life, it made sense to finish off a long night of alcohol consumption by sitting down to 'Family Guy,' some toast and a tall glass of Wisconsin skim milk.
After one particularly long night of drinking, I woke up with a monster hangover and realized that my milk glass was completely full. 'I must have passed out without even touching my glass of milk,' I thought. (Cartoon light-bulb sound effect, please.) Turns out, the perfect way to gauge my blood-alcohol content is by the amount of milk left in the glass when I wake up.
The Dairy Drunk-O-Meter started life as a personal experiment of mine, but I have patented the process and currently sell kits for home use for people who want to know how drunk they really were.
Worried that you might have gotten a DWI leaving a party? Worried that you drank too much and weren't able to perform for your significant other? Or are you even worried that you should have pushed yourself harder the night before and joined your friends by having one more Jager-Bomb? Well, your worries can be solved by my scientific Dairy Drunk-O-Meter.
With a grant from the Wisconsin Dairy Business Association and working in conjunction with the Wisconsin Department of Transportation State Patrol, the Dairy Drunk-O-Meter has now been adapted from a private consumer use to the public sector.
We outfitted several state patrol cars with the sophisticated equipment to gauge the effectiveness of the field-sobriety milk test on the general populous.
After pulling over an individual who has been suspected of consuming alcoholic beverages, the officer would sit the individual down on the back seat, pour them a tall glass of milk and turn on 'Family Guy' from a flip-down monitor in the car. After the individual passes out, the officer then measures the level of milk remaining in the glass. Based on the level of milk, the officer would arrest them or let them go.
After a test bed of state patrol officers raved about the convenience and accuracy of the Dairy Drunk-O-Meter as a field-sobriety test, the state patrol, county sheriff and local police vehicles will all be outfitted with the my Dairy Drunk-O-Meter equipment.
Though the Dairy Drunk-O-Meter was discovered by accident, I feel it will benefit society in many ways. It will increase the amount of milk production in Wisconsin. Not only will it be a great service for the individual that wants to know how drunk they really were, but it will also aid in the fight to stop drunk driving, which accounts for 45 percent of Wisconsin traffic fatalities annually. The Dairy Drunk-O-Meter is good for everyone, and it is here to stay.
