The History Channel often airs shows retracing the steps of historical personages. Jesus' route to Jerusalem. Alexander the Great's conquering path through Asia. Lewis and Clark's trail to the West Coast. I would like to submit a journey of my own to this list, one that any UW-Madison student can recreate.
Two years ago, my friend Adam and I decided we would eat at every single cafeteria on campus in a single evening.
Be warned: It was a harrowing adventure rivaling the 12 labors of Hercules, except with crinkle-cut fries. I cannot remember whose dreaded idea it was, only that it was followed up that night with a lot of lying on futons like beached whales and cursing the wretched world. But if you believe you have the guts (literally and figuratively) to try the journey for yourself, I shall now submit the route we took as a guideline for your own descent into gastrointestinal madness.
The plan was to begin at the Lakeshore dorms and end at the Southeast corner of campus, eating a trail through every cafeteria and carryout place along the way. However, Chadbourne and Liz Waters' cafeterias are only open for a one-hour window on Friday nights, so our voyage would have to involve eating at one location and then immediately moving to the next. After spending the afternoon fasting, we began our gluttonous voyage in good spirits, eager to begin.
We began at Frank's Place. Adam and I each got a light meal there and ate them in short order. We stayed there until 5 p.m., when Carson's Carryout started serving dinner, and then departed.
Carson's presented our first problem. My compatriot and I decided a small seven-inch pizza would be the way to go for this particular meal, but upon our arrival, we found all the readymade pies had been taken. Thus, we had to wait an agonizing 15 minutes or more for our own pizzas to be made; we would be consuming time, not food, and we were on a dangerous deadline. When the pizzas finally arrived, we downed them in a savage display, our mouths burning with anticipation and hot cheese.
Next stop: Liz Waters. As it is an all-female dorm, we boldly invaded their sanctuary to further our own goals. We ate side dishes and bolted for our next stop.
By this point, time was growing short, thanks to the Carson's delay. We had to get from Liz to Chad's cafeteria before it closed at 6 p.m. Running was not an option, as Adam and I are not particularly athletic fellows even when we haven't just consumed three straight courses. The decision was made to go down Bascom Hill, so gravity would be on our side. We arrived just in time for another side dish and a bowl of pudding to ease digestion.
With Chad behind us, our time deadlines were vanquished and we could take it easy. After a leisurely stroll to Pop's Club, we had a main course (I went for the chicken drummies) and giant purple chalices of Dr. Pepper, followed by ice cream from Ed's Express. Our epic quest had come to its end, and Adam and I congratulated each other for our heroic deeds before retiring for the evening to allow our stomachs to deal with the equally heroic task of digesting all the crap we had just eaten.
That evening, we ceased to be mere college students... and entered the pantheon of legend.
Load up your WisCard and try this unholy pilgrimage for yourself if you dare, and then e-mail Justin at morrisonbass@yahoo.com to tell him how it went. And be here next week for Justin's tear-jerking final column!
