Spring is my favorite season in Wisconsin. The sun sets later in the evening, the school year comes to a close and the women come out of the woodwork.
While fashion designers haven't found a way to make women ultra-attractive when it's cold out, they sure have devised a great formula for when it's sunny and hot. The layers of clothes come off; bikinis and volleyball rejoin society, but inevitably the sought-after female once again uses her powers of deception against males at house parties.
On the eve of one of the greatest college parties in the nation, I will educate men and women about the dangers of this weekend's festivities.
You've seen it before, chicks cutting in line to get closer to the keg, or even ordering their subordinate male companion to Get me a beer Tommy, I'm so wasted right now!\ Since our mothers taught us to be patient, men will usually put up with women's crap and wait while eye-candy cut us in line for beer.
However, Buddy-A-Mine told me how he got back at a girl for cutting in line of a more important venue: the bathroom. He was waiting in line to pee when a sweet-looking blond in disguise cut in front of him to use the bathroom. He kindly asked the girl what her problem was and told her to go to the end of the line. She refused and quickly turned on bitch-mode, a mode that all sweet-looking women keep on reserve for when they want to get their way.
After many expletive words were exchanged in both directions, he let her go ahead of him.
She left and while he was standing over the toilet, he noticed a cell phone next to the toilet. He finished, picked up the cell phone and left the bathroom to join his friends. Two seconds later his phone rang, he pulled it out of his pocket and noticed it was not his cell phone, but the rude chick's that cut him in line. The blonde vixen now in crazy-woman mode flew down the stairs, knocked over four guys and shouted, ""Who has my phone! I lost my phone! I need my phone!""
Maybe it was the cell phone gods teaching her a lesson, or maybe Buddy-A-Mine was just fed up with being walked over by the too-full-of-herself-spring-time-Wisconsin girls, but nevertheless, everyone on her phone was rudely woken up at 2 a.m. later that morning by a drunken buffoon explaining how he got this poor girl's phone, and that she was a bitch and cut him in line. She will definitely think twice about cutting in line from now on.
You have to understand that men are like monkeys at the zoo, taunt us a few times and we'll turn the other cheek. Taunt us enough and we'll fling poo on you. Not in a literal sense, but just like poo all over your clothes, we can ruin your day in ways you never thought possible.
Women need bathrooms because they sit down, and men can simply point and shoot, but most women complain about male public urination. So just remember ladies, when you cut five guys in line this weekend at your favorite Mifflin house kegger, you are giving incentive for all men to pee in the streets. And men, remember that when drunk, you will gain super-hero-like powers capable of ruining all line-cutting girls' nights.
Jon's female editors went into bitch-mode after they read this column. E-mail jwsteffen@wisc.edu if you did too.\
