Many of you will be registering for classes very soon. As someone who has spent eight semesters at this fine institution, I feel I am qualified—nay, obligated—to give you some advice about your academic future: Don't take a history or archaeology class.
Oh, sure, the subjects might be interesting, but I have been suspicious of the study of history ever since I had an epiphany last summer at the Milwaukee County Zoo.
It is my contention that hundreds of years from now, historians will assume humans and dinosaurs co-existed in 2006.
Allow me to explain how I arrived at this startling thesis. From time to time, I watch History Channel programs about UFOs, primarily due to my being a huge nerd. On one such show, a ufologist (a researcher who studies UFO and phenomena) claimed that UFO-like objects can be seen depicted in numerous artifacts from throughout history.
A particular medieval tapestry featuring the Virgin Mary also contains a flying disc in the sky behind her. An ancient Mayan grave covering appears to illustrate a god piloting a spacecraft of some sort. Even prehistoric cave drawings of mysterious lights in the sky have been discovered.
Naturally, these archaeological finds prompt several important questions. For example: Is ufology\ really a field of study? And if so, who exactly is paying these people to conduct their research?
A more pertinent question, however, is why these artifacts—hundreds to thousands of years old—would depict UFOs unless… wait for it… ancient man actually had contact with extraterrestrials!
This brings me to my zoo-faring revelation. While at the zoo, I bought myself lunch at a concession area, which cost roughly the asking price of a slightly used Volkswagen Beetle. The soda I ordered came in a souveneir plastic cup which, for no apparent reason, had pictures of dinosaurs on it. Not particularly needing a memento of the overpriced meal, I threw it away after lunch. It was then that I realized the consequences of my actions.
A 30th-century archaeologist researching our time period will likely discover my non-biodegradable cup in the ancient ruins of a garbage dump. He or she will note that this cup contains the words ""Milwaukee County Zoo"" and pictures of various dinosaurs.
The logical conclusion to be drawn from this juxtaposition, of course, is that 21st-century society kept dinosaurs in its zoos. This will lead to a massive upheaval in the way scientists and historians think about evolution and extinction, particularly after a documentary entitled ""Jurassic Park"" is unearthed which seems to corroborate the archaeologist's claim.
So take history classes and archaeology courses if you want to. But keep yourself open to the very real possibility that humanity's capacity for mind-boggling randomness is going to mess with your results. Some archaeologists believe the ancient Minoans fought bulls in the central court of the temple of Knossos because there are bulls painted on the walls.
But maybe the painter just thought bulls were totally friggin' sweet. The dinosaurs on my cup were on there for the exact same reason, after all. Maybe that Virgin Mary tapestry is just some good-old-fashioned medieval sci-fi. History, unfortunately, is composed of a great deal of interpretation based on diverse sources, allowing for a sizeable margin of error.
I fear the world will have to learn this lesson the hard way when future historians, based on their research of the 20th-century sitcom ""Friends,"" conclude that New York was a city composed entirely of white people.
Comments? E-mail Justin at morrisonbass@yahoo.com.
\
